Child-free 43-year-old still manages to have dad bod

A MAN who is neither a father nor subject to the stresses of being a parent still has the proper dad bod, witnesses have agreed. 

Tom Logan, aged 43, hoped that since he has avoided the path of parenthood he would keep his abs and trim figure into middle age, but instead has a 36-inch waist and a paunch.

He said: “It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not like I’m on my arse looking after toddlers all day, munching Pom-Bears as I follow them round a shitty local park.

“I swim, I cycle, I work in a demanding job. I’m not living on a diet of left-over fish fingers and potato waffles. I’m up and down to the microwave cooking a global range of cuisines.

“Certainly I meet a lot of Tinder dates in bars, and second dates in restaurants, or I’m working late then going to the pub, or meeting friends at the pub, or at the weekend I go on a bracing walk to a country pub. But that’s just an active social life.

“I deliberately avoided having kids, but my heavy gut means everyone assumes I’ve got at least two. I asked a girl away for the weekend and she said ‘Ah, so the children are with your ex?’”

Colleague Helen Archer said: “He makes dad jokes as well and you should’ve seen his dad dancing at the last office do. You can’t cheat genetics.”

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Nigella Lawson's guide to making a glass of water

AS WE move into the autumn months, I’m turning away from summery Pimms and Aperol Spritzes to year-round favourites – and what’s more classic than a glass of water?

A versatile drink that works as an aperitif or an accompaniment to just about any meal, this deceptively simple recipe can be served with ice or at room temperature. You can buy it bottled, of course, but where’s the fun in that?

Step 1: Prepare

Begin by prepping a nice glass or cup, to be found in kitchen cupboards, to be used for serving. Heston Blumenthal has experimented with other vessels like watering cans and pipettes, but I prefer a classic transparent glass. I’m a bit of a voyeur, really.

Step 2: Run the tap

The wonderful thing about this recipe is that it can be prepared in any kitchen or even bathrooms, if you’re naughty. Gently tilt your glass – this is not my secret, but one pilfered from a roguish barman I met in Siena. Grazie, Luigi – then allow the water to gush into the cup, turning it off once you’ve reached your preferred level. Let it overflow if you like. I won’t tell anyone.

Step 3: Season

I like to enjoy my water with a squeeze of lemon, so flick ahead to my recipe for Sliced Lemon if you’re feeling advanced, but many prefer it plain. For a little extra kick, sprinkle a few grains of salt into it. It always reminds me of September sunsets swimming in the still-warm Mediterranean.

Step 4: Drink

It’s time to enjoy your glass of water, whether you sip, gulp or savour. Best enjoyed fresh, but also works as a mischevious midnight treat if left on your bedside table for easy access. Mmm. So moreish. I literally couldn’t live without it.