Child watching sister’s birth not sure if this really counts as a treat

AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD watching his mother give birth would rather be at the zoo, it has emerged.

Following the trend for having siblings present in delivery rooms, schoolboy Joseph Turner was invited to share a ‘very special day’, mistakenly thinking he might be getting taken to Longleat Safari Park.

Turner said: “I was fairly sure we were going to a major tourist attraction with big plastic dinosaurs, so I was a bit surprised to end up in a hospital staring at mummy’s private parts.”

Over the next 16 hours, he was able to watch his mother swearing like a hungover bricklayer as her body was gripped by increasingly painful contractions.

Finally her vagina dilated enough to produce a glistening, slime-coated rival child who will get all the attention for the foreseeable future.

Turner said: “It’s weird because I’m not allowed to watch 15-rated films, but this had swearing, violence and nudity.

“I would rate today three out of ten. Not much fun, there aren’t even any rides here unless you count wheelchairs.

“Overall I would say it was both boring and scary, like when we went to Weston-Super-Mare and it rained.”


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Olympics-themed office fun 'not fun'

OLYMPICS-RELATED office ‘fun’ only serves to highlight the shitness of work, it has emerged.

Attaching an Olympics theme to mundane office tasks has swept the country in the last couple of days and it has been confirmed that absolutely no one is into it.

Office worker Tom Booker said, “This month’s top seller now gets a ‘gold medal’, though it’s made out of chocolate and worth 89p.

But I hate this place and making any money for them so they can shove their gold medal up their arse.

“If somehow I do win it, I’m just going to put a black glove on one hand and hold it up showing solidarity with the long-defunct Black Panther movement. See what the big wigs in the boardroom think of that.”

Meanwhile an office in Stevenage has also offered its staff the chance to knock off two minutes early on a Friday afternoon for every gold medal Team GB wins in what the employees have described as “a pretty pointless gesture.”