Cameron unable to claim Jobseeker’s Allowance for another five months

DAVID Cameron cannot claim unemployment benefit for another five months because he quit his last job, it has emerged.

The former Prime Minister is scouring the jobs pages of local papers as well as visiting his nearest Jobcentre Plus twice a week to use the sticky-screened computer terminals.

A source close to Cameron said: “They’ll be okay for a few more weeks. They’ve got a full freezer.

Anything after that though and Samantha might have to get a part-time job somewhere, maybe factory stuff or cleaning at a caravan site.

“But if they’re still both out of work and unable to claim dole or housing benny by the winter, they might end up at the food bank or something.”

David Cameron said: “I saw a job going in our local B & Q the other day. It’s only 12 hours a week but it’s something.

“I just hope they don’t ask me why I left my previous job. 

“Might just have to lie and say I say I used to be a gigolo. It will be less embarrassing that way.”

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Controlling psycho has problem with boyfriend getting wasted every night

A NIGHTMARE psycho bitch won’t let her boyfriend get hammered every night, his friends have confirmed.

Manipulative, controlling nutcase Emma Bradford had a go at partner Tom Logan just because he spent their rent money on a midweek bender with his unemployed mates.

Logan’s friend Wayne Hayes said: “We liked her at first but she seems more and more mental.

“Last night she flew off the handle because a bunch of us piled back there at 3am to smoke bongs and listen to banging techno.

“She came down in her dressing gown and was all like ‘I’ve got work tomorrow and I can’t sleep, can you at least turn it down please?’.

“Seriously, she looked like a crazy, tired witch or something.”

Logan’s other friend Roy Hobbs said: “She’s got this weird attitude since Tom lost his job because of booze-related unreliability. Apparently she ‘needs sleep’ because she’s got to ‘pay the bills’ and is ‘knackered’.

“Seriously she won’t let him do Class A drugs on a Tuesday, or at least if he does she gives him the silent treatment or tries to reason with him. We call her ‘the fun police’ or ‘the puppet master’.

“If she’s not careful he’ll walk out, and then where would she be?”