Women’s beach volleyball not actually sexy unless you are weird

WATCHING highly skilled female athletes ruthlessly competing is not as sexy as has been claimed, men have finally realised.

After years of getting excited about women’s beach volleyball, men are now beginning to accept that it is just a sport taken very seriously by the players and not some sort of erotic treat.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “When the Olympics started showing women’s beach volleyball I immediately sat down for a good ogle, but then realised that was a bit weird.

“The players aren’t doing it to be sexy, they just want to score points and win the tournament. If they knew I was sitting there going ‘phwoar’ they’d probably consider it an insult to their years of training.

“They’re certainly not doing anything erotic, just smacking that ball as hard as possible with their powerful athletes’ limbs that could snap me like a twig.”

Fellow man Wayne Hayes said: “If me and my mates sat around gazing salaciously at Paula Radcliffe going through the pain barrier that would make us strange fetishists.

“So I’m not sure why we thought women’s beach volleyball was hot, because they don’t look flirty or aroused, just incredibly focused and quite angry.

“The oddest thing is that my laptop gives me access to every form of erotica imaginable, so I don’t need to watch hours of a quite boring team game to see a lady in her pants.”

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Viruses having awesome summer at festivals

POTENTIALLY debilitating viruses are having the ‘best summer ever’ at all the big music festivals.

Measles, hepatitis and even smallpox have been really getting into the festival circuit, watching legendary bands on outdoor stages and making new friends via sweaty hugs, shared water bottles and medieval-style toilets.

Measles said: “I’ve always been a fairly shy virus, more used to hanging out in the relative quiet of school canteens than the ‘mosh pit’ at a big music event.

“This year though, Hepatitis B reached out and was like ‘My host organism has got a couple of spare tickets for the Love Town Weekender, let’s do it’.

“At first I was a bit reluctant, I really hate fancy dress and all that sort of thing, but actually it was just like a giant petri dish. There were so many other germs there, and so much filth that I didn’t feel at all self-conscious.

“I loved how everyone was crammed into these big metal-fenced pens, their immune systems lowered by drugs and sleep deprivation.

“I met dozens of new people that weekend, all of whom will be off work for at least a fortnight.”

Smallpox said: “I’ve been keeping a low profile for the last century or so, but I went to a big vegan music festival this year and really liked it.

“I’m hoping to hit up some boutique festivals this summer and maybe infect some coked-up PR girls dancing next to a big lake of faeces.”