Thursday, 6th May 2021

Cold water swimming latest health trend people need to shut up about

SWIMMING in cold water during the winter months is the latest wellness fad that people are sick of f**king hearing about.

Enthusiasts claim it is ‘invigorating’ to endure near-hypothermia and frostbite simply so they can show off about how committed they are to being both healthy and smug.

Martin Bishop, whose wife Carolyn has taken to swimming in the sea every morning, said: “I thought swimming in winter was only for Olympic athletes and those leathery old perverts who are always on the news in their Speedos on Christmas Day.

“I accept that it’s good exercise, but exercising is already unpleasant enough without the added risk of either freezing to death or drowning. Not to mention having to deal with my knackers crawling back up into my abdomen.

“The amount she bangs on about how wonderful it is, it’s like she’s constantly trying to reassure herself it isn’t just some weird form of self-torture.”

Carolyn Bishop said: “Oh, it’s marvellous, you simply must try it. Did you know cold water is great for heart health? And there are so many other benefits too. Have you got a spare three or four hours?”