Step out on the Mash's bracing winter walk – directions below

THERE’S literally nothing else to do, so why not head out on the Daily Mash’s invigorating winter walk? Begins and ends at your house. Follow directions below. 

Turn left. Keep going until the third set of traffic lights, then take the next right uphill on a track between two houses. Keep low and watch out for owls.

At the summit go straight across, missing the middle summit, to the next summit. On clear days you can see Jodrell Bank to the east, the Angel of the North to the south and the Oxo Tower north-north-west. Pass through a wicket gate.

Descend through a bluebell wood past a burnt-out pub and recently used gallows. Take the left fork alongside a barbed-wire fence. It will be snowing here, but do not remark on it.

The path becomes indistinct through a ploughed field. Head for the third cow from the left, cross the stile and continue through the forest. Do not stray from the path or you may be claimed by Baba Yaga.

Leave the wood via a five-bar gate – closing it behind you – and walk south through a glittering modern city of gleaming skyscrapers and unsettlingly deserted plazas. Look for a gap between a Sainsbury’s Local and a Pret.

After three-quarters of a mile, turn right through a disused steelworks, descend down six flights of stairs into its dark interior, and exit into a meadow. Follow the stream past the Corryvreckan whirlpool.

Emerge from a wicket gate opposite your own front door. Time for a hot drink!

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Congratulations! You've completed January

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve completed the hardest January any of us are ever likely to experience. 

Locked-down, flat broke, with no Christmas or New Year to look back on fondly, the month has been hell for everyone, but it ends today. If you’ve been doing Dry January you deserve extra credit, you masochistic weirdo.

Whether you’re on your own in a one-bedroom flat, juggling homeschooling three kids and a high-powered job, or out there working on the frontline, the last 31 days have ticked slowly and painfully by.

It didn’t matter if it was Monday morning, and you were slumped in the corner working on your laptop, Wednesday evening, and you were slumped in the corner working on your laptop because you’d spent all day doomscrolling Twitter, or Saturday and you were slumped in the corner on your laptop out of habit, this month sucked.

No month has ever been longer. No month has ever been more featureless. No month has ever offered such a shitty range of entertainment options, ie. it’s Sunday so let’s go for yet another muddy walk around the same patch of grass.

But you made it. Day by day, you battled your way through a January without friends, without family, without pubs, without any of the things that make life worth living. And survived.

Congratulations! Your reward is February. It will be almost exactly the same.