Couples only exercise together to learn each others' weaknesses

COUPLES who run, cycle and attend the gym together are scoping out each other’s physical flaws before the inevitable fight to the death. 

Ryan Whittaker and Lucy Parry are always seen together at park runs and spin classes, but have confirmed it is because they cannot allow the other to gain any advantage in advance of the shit going down.

Parry said: “I love working out with Ryan, because it’s the perfect opportunity to see the ongoing deterioration of his knees. I could take those out in a single blow.

“Of course, our regular swims together have shown he’s got a higher lung capacity but the bulk from his weights routine means he can’t turn quickly. That’ll be key when it comes to the killing blow.”

Whittaker agreed: “You’ve got to have a fitness goal, and mine is maintaining the edge I’ve got over Lucy. It’s a real motivator. Endorphins are nothing compared to the survival instinct.

“Every relationship has flashpoints. Ours will happen when we’re at our physical peak. In moments we’ll turn from drinking wheatgrass smoothies while wearing Lycra in the kitchen to a battle which will only end when one of us is slain.

“At the end of the day, fitness comes and goes but the tactical advantage you gain over your long-term partner with lasts forever. And the sex is pretty good.”

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Date night cruel parody of love there once was

A MARRIED couple have regular monthly date nights as a painful reminder they once loved each other enough to enjoy them. 

Helen and Martin Archer, who have three children, find that spending four long hours alone together listlessly re-enacting the rituals of romance really brings into focus what their relationship has become.

Helen said: “It’s like a punishment from Greek myth. All eternity staring at the same sagging jowls.

“As if it wasn’t hard enough being stuck with the same person until death, especially as it’s Martin, we have to go out for meals or cocktails or the theatre as if we had time or wanted to.

“I gaze at his thinning hairline and bushy eyebrows in the candlelight, knowing I’m two stone heavier with my mother’s eyebags, and we pretend we’re not knackered and want to shag later. It’s sadistic.

“Sometimes I make an effort and throw in a reference to the wine or anything other than work or the kids, to make it all the more obvious we’ve nothing in common anymore.

“We can’t believe we used to have conversations on the original dates. We laugh about that when we’re not sullenly staring at couples on real dates thinking ‘You f**king wait.’ Then he’ll say something about the langoustines and I’ll nod.”

Luigi di Matteo, owner of the Casa Mia restaurant, said: “Date night is the hardest night of our week. The misery just crushes you.”