THE DAILY Mail has assured its female readers that it will make them pregnant if they are still childless by 35.
Britain’s most virile newspaper has vowed that any women who reach their mid-thirties with their precious eggs unfertilised can count on the Mail to safeguard the biological future of the realm.
Editor Paul Dacre said: “Too many women have waited too long to breed and are now wizened, barren, 35-year old hags.
“Unlike twentysomething women, who should be shamed for wearing or not wearing makeup, thirtysomething women should be shamed for their withered hands and decaying bodies until they disappear indoors, marry, and procreate.
“Should they be unable to find husbands of their own, perhaps due to their crone-like appearance or their ugly insistence on having their own lives and careers, then the Daily Mail stands ready to step in with our gallant, patriotic sperm.”
Experts believe that the news will be of great interest to the 12 Daily Mail readers who are under the age of 58.