Deep Heat, Piriton, and other useless medicines only recommended by girlfriends

SUFFERING? Girlfriend implying it’s your own fault because you refuse to take the feeble medications she recommends? These are no different to homeopathy: 

Deep Heat

Promises deep, penetrating relief from your aches and pains which are the inevitable consequence of old age and five-a-side and are not curable. Delivers f**k all except a burning sensation like your lower back’s had too many Chilli Heatwave Doritos. Plus your shirt is sticking to you like a cold, clammy hand and you stink.


Accroding to the bullshit on the packaging effectively a magical cure-all, laying waste to allergies from pet hair to hayfever and irritations from insect bites to hives. Keeps fewer of its promises than a Tory election manifesto and has more unpleasant side-effects: blurred vision, nausea, vomiting and the shits? Would sneezing not be preferable?


Rapid relief from the discomfort of mouth ulcers? Bollocks. Though in fairness, it could be effective if the induced salivation of applying it didn’t mean you swallowed the lot within 15 seconds. Which set of reflexive actions is, according to your girlfriend, ‘your own fault’.


Smearing this eye-watering grease beneath your nose is claimed to relieve blocked sinuses. It does, in the same way that mustard gas relieves breathing-related issues. Eyes streaming, half-blind, other senses blunted to the point of redundancy, it reduces your problems to the single, urgent need to get the f**k away from Vicks.


Marginally ease your tickly cough and sore throat for the brief moment it takes to consume one, leaving you with a gasping thirst. And from now on, whenever you cough, a sidelong accusatory glance from the other end of the sofa reminds you it’s because you’re not currently sucking a Locket.


Sending these chalky foot soldiers to wage war on your crippling acid reflux is taking on a tank with a water pistol. The tablets stick in your teeth and the liquid version is so disgusting leaves you retching, which is a useful addition to your hideous heartburn. So you don’t take it, which makes you wrong.

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We ask you: are your children boozing enough?

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part? 

Steve Malley, golf tutor: “I bought my 13-year-old a pint and never got one back, so he’s banned. I can’t be doing with bastards not getting their round in.”

Eleanor Shaw, counsellor: “Sadly my daughters have fallen to creeping Americanisation and only vape strong weed. Our national identity is being taken away from us.”

Joanna Kramer, employment lawyer: “They’ll match me drink for drink for the first two Riojas, but crack the third and suddenly they ‘feel sick’. Lightweights.”

Jim Bates, croupier: “They said kids these days were too busy on Netflix and Xbox to drink two litres of white cider in a bus shelter. This makes me feel like there’s hope again.”

Helen Archer, chiropractor: “This is why we win f**k all at the Olympics. Because they won’t hold events in areas where Britain truly excels.”