'Definitely going for a run tomorrow' enters fifth year

A MAN who has been promising to “go for a run tomorrow” for five years definitely means it this time.

Tom Logan, who has had the ‘Couch to 5k’ app on his phone since 2013, made the announcement to his family last night for the 1,462nd consecutive evening.

Wife Sarah said: “Over time the ritual has become more elaborate. He does some lunging exercises and puts his expensive trainers by the door as if they might do his jog for him.

“When it’s time for his run he finds some pathetic excuse to not actually go. Tonight it was ‘checking some work emails’, but he has been known to say he’s worried the cat is looking a bit peaky.

“I think this could go on forever. I can imagine us in an old folks’ home with Tom still carefully planning the route of his run as he hobbles about on a Zimmer frame.”

Tom Logan said: “I’m definitely going tomorrow. Although I have got a slight pain in my foot. I don’t want to give myself a long-term injury with all this vigorous exercise.”

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Woman who thinks she's a 'matchmaker' hasn't noticed she is shit at it

A WOMAN who believes she is a brilliant matchmaker is actually just inflicting misery on her single friends, it has emerged.

Happily married Donna Sheridan is continually trying to forge relationships between friends with slight similarities despite none of them ever being remotely successful.

She said: “Pete’s been single for two years and so has Kate. I just know they’d be perfect together because they’ve both been divorced and like lasagne.

“Okay, setting up Lucy with Josh led to them basically having rows for eight months then splitting up. But I think she just didn’t make the effort to enjoy his bongos.

“I just have a really strong intuition about who would be great together. What can go wrong if you listen to your gut?”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “There’s something wrong with Nikki’s gut because the last acquaintance she set me up with insisted on praying to ‘Mother Gaia’ before we ate and was generally a wanker.”

Sheridan said: “Do I hear wedding bells?”