Do not photograph more than four eggs per day, say experts

TAKING Instagram egg photos can trigger insanity, it has emerged.

Experts warned of a phenomenon called ‘the gleam’ where egg photographers see their faces reflected in the yolk, triggering a moment of realisation which destroys their mind.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If you look into the yolk for long enough, the yolk looks into you.

“Seeing your own stupid phone-wielding form reflected in an orangey hue can cause a permanent and acute feeling of pointlessness.

“Instead of another shot of your soy-cured Taiwanese yolk cake, show us a Starbucks latte with a random vintage filter.

“Or rather than food porn, try posting some sex porn. You’ll get banned from Instagram, but perhaps that’s okay.”

Avid smartphone photographer Nikki Hollis said: “I take pictures of my meals because eating has an essential ritual aspect.

“That’s posh talk for ‘I think showing off is good and I need strangers to like me’.”

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Working-class grannies requisitioned by middle-class households

LOVING working-class grandparents are to be reassigned to cold, ambitious middle-class families in dire need of them. 

The move, announced today by the home office, will give the next generation of successful entrepreneurs the nurturing environment they need. 

Minister of state Mike Penning said: “Working-class British grandparents, who always have a tin of chocolate biscuits and a place next to them to watch Countdown, are the best in the world. 

“But we are wasting this valuable resource on children who will, at best, get three Bs at GCSE and do a degree at a former polytechnic.”

Mother of three Dr Helen Archer said: “My parents live in the Dordogne, and why shouldn’t they because they’ve done very well for themselves, but that leaves the children without love or warmth all through term-time. 

“I can’t give it them because I’ve got meetings, but these traditional Northern grannies in their terraced houses with the fire on have all the time in the world. 

“I can send Reuben to ours – I think she’s called Yvonne if that’s not the cleaner – to be told that he’s a lovely boy and given a tenner ‘spends’ before he comes back to me and I tell him how disappointed I am that he’s failed his grade five oboe.”

More than 400,000 grannies have been forcibly rehomed with high-income families, where they are already pinching cheeks, giving wet kisses and telling them to keep away from anyone with dark hair.