HAVE you been struck down with super flu, man flu, or a new mutant strain combining the two? Find out:
What are your symptoms?
A) High fever, chills, aching muscles, sore throat. Your standard flu spread of grievances.
B) Same as above, but while being constantly mocked by my wife and daughters for being ill.
C) Inability to fly, restricted heat vision, strong stabbing pains when exposed to Kryptonite.
Where do you think you caught your illness?
A) Could be anywhere. My diseased kids might have brought it home from school, although the very winter air is infected in my area.
B) As it’s a gender-specific illness, I assume I got it when down the pub watching the Arsenal game on Sky Sports while drinking lager.
C) Wait, I knew that door-to-door brush salesman in the bright red wig looked familiar! It was Lex Luthor!
How are other people treating you?
A) With care and sympathy. My boss has ordered me to stay at home on company pay, and my boyfriend is bringing me mugs of restorative Lemsip.
B) With unconcealed impatience and jokes about what a pathetic specimen of masculinity I am, alongside claims any woman as ill as I am would work a full day then prepare a three-course meal for her family.
C) Lois Lane is extremely suspicious because just as I’m ill, Clark Kent is also absent from work. I believe she is formulating an elaborate plan to expose my secret identity.
Have you had a flu jab?
A) It’s the prudent thing to do. However, it does on this occasion appear to have proved f**k all use.
B) I was going to, but then my wife, daughters, female boss at work and elderly mother all jeered at me for being a big baby afraid of man flu. So I did not.
C) No needle can penetrate my diamond hard skin. Professor Potter claimed he had an experimental syringe which would do the job, but the last time I trusted him I ended up as a Super-Gorilla for a week locked in Metropolis Zoo.
Are you resting and recovering?
A) Yes, I’m tucked up in bed like a human burrito and popping more pills than a 90s raver. I reckon I’ll be better in a week.
B) My complaints of severe illness have been laughed off by everyone so I’m working from home on a laptop between blackouts and bouts of vomiting. I may not live.
C) I wish. Earth is being attacked by the Superman Revenge Squad, consisting of aliens from Wexr II, and I’ve got to defeat them, convince Lois I’m not Clark Kent and stop the Moon colliding with Earth. I think I’ll need my dog’s help.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Relax, it’s just the super flu that’s doing the rounds. Continue to rest and drink plenty of fluids and you’ll be better in time for Christmas.
Mostly Bs: Oh dear, sounds like a terminal case of the dreaded man flu. The only remedy is to stop being a little bitch, man up, and power through. Christ you’re pathetic.
Mostly Cs: Sounds like you’ve contracted Superman flu. Losing your grip on reality and confusing yourself with the Man of Steel is a tell-tale sign of the disease’s delirium. Rest, stay away from Forbidden Planet for a few weeks, and you’ll be fine.
