Doctors' receptionists urged to be less terrifying

PATIENTS have asked doctors’ receptionists if they can please stop looking at them like that.

26-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’ve got a rash on my leg so I tried to get an appointment for this week because it’s really itchy.

“But the woman on the desk with glasses – there’s always one with glasses and one without – just raised one eyebrow as if to say ‘You made your vagina into a parking bay for sailors’ cocks and now you expect us to help you’.

“She made me so paranoid that I said out loud ‘I am not a whore!’ and everyone stared at me. Why can’t they just be nice?”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “I requested an emergency appointment and I swear the receptionist muttered under her breath, ‘Why, did the dog eat all your Methadone?’

“I couldn’t hear clearly because her head was obscured behind one of those massive old Dell computers they have just because they look intimidating.”

Doctor’s receptionist Mrs Price said: “OK, imagine dealing with the general public for eight hours a day. If you can even do that without wanting to kill yourself, imagine dealing with the general public when they’re ill.

“Plus the ones that aren’t sick are bored idiots who treat this waiting room like it’s a particularly depressing branch of Costa.

“I imagine your milk of human kindness has now evaporated.”

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Kevin McCloud lives on new-build estate

GRAND Designs presenter Kevin McCloud lives on an estate called The Glades, it has emerged.

McCloud’s red-brick semi is officially Number 24 but has a nameplate describing it as The Haven.

The structure is otherwise identical to the rest of the homes in the cul-de-sac, although as McCloud tells first-time visitors ‘it’s the one with the floral print wheelie bin’.

McCloud’s cleaner Mary Fisher said: “Kevin’s got a triptych of canvas-effect prints of snowy woodland in his living room, above his black leather DFS recliner.

“The centrepiece however is a flatscreen telly with massive speakers that he got off Gumtree.

“The floors are laminate but he absolutely freaks out if you come in with your shoes on.

“The downstairs toilet features a pop-art style picture of the Minis from The Italian Job and a stocking filler comedy book of golfing anecdotes. The soap is lots of little bits of old soap stuck together in one big lump.

“Kevin’s duvet has got pictures of parrots on it.”

McCloud’s spokesman said the presenter spends his time at the property working in the garden shed, a converted Victorian distilling vat roofed entirely in reclaimed ceramic tiling.