ELECTRONIC cigarettes are to be classified as adult nipple substitutes.
EU experts ruled that the metal cylinders are less about nicotine inhalation than having something to obsessively suck on.
E-cigarette user Stephen Malley said: “Unlike normal fags, e-cigs don’t burn away so there’s no incentive to ever take yours out of your mouth.
“It’s definitely re-awakened my infantile urge for an oral comforter.
“Even when it’s out of charge, I suck it and suck it and suck it.
“I call my e-cigarette ‘metal mummy’.
“Last week my wife hid it and I burst into tears, rolling around the floor in hysterics until I put my foot through the telly.
An EU spokesman said: “According to our consultants, e-cigarettes are more creepy than dangerous.
“They warned that any action to ban them could result in mass tantrums and workplace thumb-sucking.”
Office manager Tom Logan said: “Sometimes I feel that e-cigarettes have started me on a journey of childhood regression.
“Now I can’t go to the toilet without an adult, am fascinated by bright colours and whenever I see a cat I have to clumsily stroke it until it scratches me.
“But in their defence, e-fags are great for people just getting into smoking, who aren’t quite ready to make the step up to real cigarettes.”