E-cigarettes reclassified as adult dummies

ELECTRONIC cigarettes are to be classified as adult nipple substitutes.

EU experts ruled that the metal cylinders are less about nicotine inhalation than having something to obsessively suck on.

E-cigarette user Stephen Malley said: “Unlike normal fags, e-cigs don’t burn away so there’s no incentive to ever take yours out of your mouth.

“It’s definitely re-awakened my infantile urge for an oral comforter.

“Even when it’s out of charge, I suck it and suck it and suck it.

“I call my e-cigarette ‘metal mummy’.

“Last week my wife hid it and I burst into tears, rolling around the floor in hysterics until I put my foot through the telly.

An EU spokesman said: “According to our consultants, e-cigarettes are more creepy than dangerous.

“They warned that any action to ban them could result in mass tantrums and workplace thumb-sucking.”

Office manager Tom Logan said: “Sometimes I feel that e-cigarettes have started me on a journey of childhood regression.

“Now I can’t go to the toilet without an adult, am fascinated by bright colours and whenever I see a cat I have to clumsily stroke it until it scratches me.

“But in their defence, e-fags are great for people just getting into smoking, who aren’t quite ready to make the step up to real cigarettes.”

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Pensioners incapable of pronouncing 'chorizo'

ELDERLY people cannot say chorizo without inserting a ‘t’ sound, it has emerged.

New research claims the spicy sausage has become part of the UK’s staple diet. However people over 60 still insist it is called ‘choritzo’.

67-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I love a bit of choritzo. We have it on our pitzas when we go to Pitza Express.”

Pronunciation expert Tom Booker said: “There’s no point in telling them. Just go with it.”