Northern gonorrhoea hard as nails

THE North’s sexually transmitted diseases can beat any antibiotic without putting their pints down, doctors have confirmed.

A new strain of gonorrhoea, which scientists have had difficulties examining because of repeated enquiries about who the fuck they think they are looking at, has been reported in Leeds, Macclesfield, Hull and Scunthorpe.

The aggressive strain is antibiotic-resistant, unaffected by alcohol or nicotine and seemingly impervious to extreme cold.

Dr Helen Archer said: “At temperatures of 233 kelvin, or 40 below centigrade, the virus still made no attempt to put on a coat and mocked any virus that did.

“It proved equally resistant to penicillium, tetracyclines, sulphonamides, bouncers, coppers and anyone else who mistakenly thought they could have a go.”

Northern gonorrhoea molecule Norman Steele said: “I will mash up your immune system but at least, unlike my Southern equivalent, I’m not all picky about how you spell my complicated name.

“Just call me ‘Gon’ or ‘Gonner’.”

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Corbyn-Abbott affair 'was magnificently 70s'

THE affair between Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott was the most 70s thing that happened in the 70s, it has been claimed.

Ex-Liberal councillor and former colleague Nathan Muir described the brief relationship as “like a Space Hopper colliding with a Chopper bike spilling Olde English Spangles in front of a bewildered Green Cross Man.”

He continued: “They met on an anti-Vietnam march and shared their first kiss against a backdrop of skinheads fighting rastas while the Sweet played Blockbuster

“After a lentil bake, he showed her the chickens he kept in his garden and she admitted she never missed his charismatic appearances on Open University every morning at 6am. 

“They watched The Sweeney, agreeing it was crypto-fascist propaganda dictated by the military-industrial complex, while sharing a bottle of Mateus Rosé. 

“And finally, once they’d completed foreplay by checking each other’s union cards, they went to bed between bri-nylon orange-and-brown CND patterned sheets.”