THE North’s sexually transmitted diseases can beat any antibiotic without putting their pints down, doctors have confirmed.
A new strain of gonorrhoea, which scientists have had difficulties examining because of repeated enquiries about who the fuck they think they are looking at, has been reported in Leeds, Macclesfield, Hull and Scunthorpe.
The aggressive strain is antibiotic-resistant, unaffected by alcohol or nicotine and seemingly impervious to extreme cold.
Dr Helen Archer said: “At temperatures of 233 kelvin, or 40 below centigrade, the virus still made no attempt to put on a coat and mocked any virus that did.
“It proved equally resistant to penicillium, tetracyclines, sulphonamides, bouncers, coppers and anyone else who mistakenly thought they could have a go.”
Northern gonorrhoea molecule Norman Steele said: “I will mash up your immune system but at least, unlike my Southern equivalent, I’m not all picky about how you spell my complicated name.
“Just call me ‘Gon’ or ‘Gonner’.”