NOBODY at Heathrow looks fit and well, according to doctors screening for Ebola.
Virologist Mary Fisher said: “Lingering in an international hub of misery causes sweatiness, paranoia and the irrational compulsion to buy a massive Toblerone. So far everyone looks contagious.”
Quarantined Wayne Hayes said: “I felt fine at first, then corralling my screaming kids as my flight departure time receded further into the future kicked off a migraine and body aches.
“I tried to alleviate the boredom by having an all-day mixed grill, which made my stomach malfunction.
“Now they’re not letting me back into the main terminal to buy a Telegraph – just, I must stress, to get the free bottle of water.”
Security chief Nikki Hollis said: “Give it a fortnight for the media to stop caring about this and we’ll be back to treating everyone like drug mules.”