Everything in man's shopping basket has cheese on it or will have cheese added to it

A MAN has noticed that everything in his shopping basket is cheese, has cheese on it or will have cheese somehow added to it.

Tom Booker was at the check out of his local supermarket when he noticed the cheese-centric nature of his shopping.

Booker said:“First we have a four cheese margarita pizza, nothing wrong there.

“Then there are some cheese dips things for work this week, again fairly standard.

“And a big block of cheese, so big you could use it as a weapon. Then we have the bread, crackers, bagels – basically vehicles for cheese.

“Luckily I’ve added some bananas to the basket for diversity. Although I put cheese on my bananas, it’s weird but I like it.”

He added: “I’ve never even thought of myself as a person who especially likes cheese, but I’m definitely a person who eats it.”

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Man who claims ‘I’m a bit of a night owl,’ actually just a lazy twat

A LAZY bastard who stays in bed until 12pm has claimed it is because he is a ‘night owl’. 

Nathan Muir, whose freelance graphic design job means he can remain in his fetid pit while decent people are working, actually believes that he stays up until 4am because of his unique body clock, not because he rises at noon.

He said: “Morning person? Not me mate. I never see it, or not the end you see.

“I’m basically nocturnal; up at what most people call lunchtime, settling down to work when the ordinaries are on their way home, enjoying my leisure time while the waking world slumbers.

“It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m just wired differently to most people. Always have been, ever since I was a student. Honestly, I missed every lecture.

“I tried to go to bed early the other night – had a big morning meeting, they must not have heard about me – but I wasn’t tired in the least. 10pm’s just when my motor starts running. And I’d slept in till three after a big PlayStation session.”

Muir added: “Also I smoke a lot of weed. But that’s nothing to do with it either.”