Eye of the Tiger: The songs every prick has on their running playlist

WANT to motivate yourself to achieve some minor fitness goal? Download these tracks and imagine you’re at Olympian levels of fitness and not another decrepit jogger gasping for air.

Sabotage – Beastie Boys

You’re going for your first run. You need music to pump you up. You Google ‘Music that will pump me up’ and put the high-octane Sabotage at the top of your playlist. Within about 30 seconds of starting you realise you’ve set off way too fast. As the song reaches its climax, you’re on your knees vomiting behind a hedge.

Eye of the Tiger – Survivor

As the sounds of some of the finest power chords the 80s had to offer rattle around your head, you imagine yourself in an intense, Rocky-esque training montage. Until, that is, you’re overtaken by an elderly lady walking her sausage dog as you wheezily shuffle around the path of your local park. 

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen 

When the members of Queen wrote this soaring, uplifting song, they were doing it for you: a man feebly jogging on a gym treadmill leering at women who undoubtedly find you irresistible thanks to your new trainers and lycra shorts. It is indeed possible nothing will stop you now, although the gurgling from your stomach says last night’s vindaloo has other ideas. 

Born To Run – Bruce Springsteen

Bruce probably penned this song with a metaphorical use of the word ‘run’. As will be obvious to anyone looking at you stumbling puce and breathless along the pavement. They’ll correctly draw the conclusion that you were instead were ‘born to slump on the sofa eating a whole bargain bucket of KFC’.

Lose Yourself – Eminem

This song’s thumping energy will surely be enough to propel you through the pain, right? No. You’ll soon discover there’s nothing more humbling than standing hands on hips at a pedestrian crossing, gasping for air and desperately hoping that the light doesn’t turn green and make you have to run again, while Eminem screams in your ear like a shit Mr Motivator.

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The Live & Kicking phone-in number, and other useless shit you're incapable of forgetting

IF asked to recite the Live & Kicking phone-in number on pain of death, you’d blurt out ‘0181 811 8181’ in a second. Here are the utterly useless things you can easily recall.

The Live & Kicking phone-in number

After watching religiously every Saturday morning for eight years, this phone number is seared into your brain in the same way as your own birth date. In fact, you can recall it quicker than your wedding anniversary, which greatly upsets your partner.

The lyrics to Ice, Ice Baby

Before you developed some taste, this was the coolest song you’d ever heard and you quickly memorised the lyrics. Unfortunately that means that the words ‘Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly’ now take up the place in your brain where your debit card number should live.

Quotes from Friends

You watched every series of Friends so many times that quotes from it are more likely to come out of your mouth than verbalisations of your own unique thoughts. Your partner could be down on one knee proposing and rather than happily yelling ‘Yes!’ you’ll snarkily mutter ‘Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.’

F**king Jabberwocky

You’re trying hard to remember the sensitive speech you’ve devised to gently dump your partner, but all that’s coming to mind is ‘’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves. Did gyre and gimble in the wabe’. Vital for the primary school assembly where you recited it in 1988, not so great for consoling your weeping soon-to-be ex.

The weird sexual fantasy your friend shared with you when pissed

When you’d had a few pints you thought it would be a laugh to hear Steve’s wank fantasy about Nadine Dorries and a dildo. Now, though, you’re sober and you just know that the perverted nightmare he described in great detail is never going to leave your mind.