Facebook user speaks only in passive-aggressive statements

FACEBOOK addict Wayne Hayes has become so reliant on the site that he communicates entirely in leading statements.

The unemployed cab driver posted his first status – ‘I don’t suppose anyone’s reading this?’ – five years ago and his speech patterns have become increasingly vague and needy ever since.

Hayes said: “If you know somebody whose life has been ruined by Facebook, don’t wait until it’s too late to tell them. So, so disappointed.

“I know that most of you won’t even read to the end of this but if you do, can I just say it’s a really inconvenient way of saying things?”

Unable to directly ask for anything Hayes orders drinks by simply pointing at other people’s pints and saying, “That looks like fun.”

Hayes’s girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “When I get home from work he greets me with ‘When you haven’t seen somebody and you’ve missed them, it would be nice if they told you how their day went?’

“I have to remind myself that he’s ill otherwise I would wound him.”

Therapist Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve been working with Mr Hayes by posting a series of dolphin and Native American pictures on his timeline next to motivational messages like ‘You’re right, nobody gives a shit. But why should they? – Gandhi’ next to them.

“I feel like we’re making progress but sometimes I just feel like poking the bejesus out of him.”

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Duncan Smith hides arousal behind podium

IAIN Duncan Smith has promised more welfare cuts while concealing his groin behind a wooden podium.

Duncan Smith gave a speech pledging to press on with welfare reforms while positioned very close to the stand because he was fully engorged.

Onlooker Mary Fisher said: “When he left the stage his assistants picked the podium up and moved it with him so the audience couldn’t see what was happening below his belt line.

“He is such a creepy man.

“Besides being an obvious sadist Iain doesn’t look like a real person, but a film actor playing an unhealthy and morally vacant politician, the sort who helps the baddies until they decide he’s an idiot and shoot him.”