Febreze ads trigger hepatitis epidemic

ADVERTS for Febreze ‘fabric refresher’ have caused numerous cases of hepatitis, it has emerged.

The successful ad campaign takes unsuspecting participants off the street, who are blindfolded then encouraged to roll around in vile disused public toilets that have been scented by the product.

Volunteer, Helen Archer said “This outrageously happy guy ran up and bet me to guess his magical secret.

“The next thing I knew, I was blindfolded and face-down on a luxurious, velvet divan, clutching priceless Faberge eggs and burying my face in the sultan’s billowing silk kaftan.

“Someone asked me when i reckoned it’d last been washed and I said “today?”.

“When they took the blindfold off, I was lying on a pile of used condoms, the Faberge eggs were dead rats and the sultan was a drunk old woman with shit up the back of her cardigan.

“Since then I’ve been most unwell.”

The NHS are calling for a nationwide vaccination program to alleviate the strain the adverts are putting on their resources.

Febreze has since withdrawn its latest ad, which featured a Zumba class locked in a dockside storage unit containing an overflowing slop bucket and a severed foot.



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Facebook fuelling black market trade in personalities

GENUINELY eccentric people are selling their character traits to young social media obsessives, it has emerged.

The internet’s obsession with individuality and quirkiness has created a thriving black market for unusual characteristics.

Cash-strapped eccentrics visit seedy mob-run clinics where unusual aspects of their personalities are catalogued then wiped using techniques originally developed by the CIA.

Their characteristics are then sold to young so-called ‘hipsters’ for use on social media websites.

A police spokesman said: “In today’s jaded internet culture, users feel they need more than prominent facial hair and a gramophone to stand out from the crowd.

“These character trait clinics can charge up to £5,000 for a single eccentricity, if it’s a really good one like being able to get spectacularly lost in small rooms, or an obsession with bird skulls.

“The personality donors are lucky to receive 50p, for which they are pathetically grateful because they are quite unemployable.

“The poorly-paid weirdos are then left to wander the streets with empty minds until they get run over.

“People need to develop their own personalities or simply accept that they are unremarkable.”

54-year-old oddball Roy Hobbs said: “I sold my passion for drawing crude pictures of obscure 80s wrestlers to a junior brand manager from Dalston.

“I also told the seedy doctors that I suck cats’ ears and use two knotted socks as a crude form of underwear, but apparently those things weren’t marketable.”