BRITAIN will oppose an EU ban on gently warming the testicles of bankers.
Under new EU regulations the cosseting of financial scrotums must be funded from the bankers’ own seven-figure salaries.
But prime minister David Cameron said the move would discriminate against UK taxpayers who ‘really looked forward to cupping a banker’s testicles after a long, hard day at the call centre’.
London investment banks have warned that if the UK stops holding their scrotum like it was a little Robin Red Breast, they may decide to avoid tax from a new headquarters in the far east.
The Singapore stock exchange recently opened a state of the art trading floor with holes cut into velvet cushions to allow banker gonads to dangle directly into the palms of senior government ministers.
Prime minister David Cameron said: “Before cupping, I like to warm my hands in front of an open fire. It brings a broad smile to face of a hard-working banker.
“Also, it means they’re more likely to beat me with a bag of oranges, rather than a pool ball in a sock.”