Britain to continue cupping bankers' testicles

BRITAIN will oppose an EU  ban on gently warming the testicles of bankers.

Under new EU regulations the cosseting of financial scrotums must be funded from the bankers’ own seven-figure salaries.

But prime minister David Cameron said the move would discriminate against UK taxpayers who ‘really looked forward to cupping a banker’s testicles after a long, hard day at the call centre’.

London investment banks have warned that if the UK stops holding their scrotum like it was a little Robin Red Breast, they may decide to avoid tax from a new headquarters in the far east.

The Singapore stock exchange recently opened a state of the art trading floor with holes cut into velvet cushions to allow banker gonads to dangle directly into the palms of senior government ministers.

Prime minister David Cameron said: “Before cupping, I like to warm my hands in front of an open fire. It brings a broad smile to face of a hard-working banker.

“Also, it means they’re more likely to beat me with a bag of oranges, rather than a pool ball in a sock.”



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Morrissey's cat hates him

MORRISSEY’S cat thinks his owner is a knob, it has emerged.

Requiescat the cat, who shares a luxury condominium with the former Smiths frontman, explained that conditions were so unbearable he had taken to frantically pressing the red button on the remote whenever he saw an RSPCA advert.

The cat said: “I am forced to eat vile vegetarian muck, some sort of textured protein that tastes as depressing as the unrequited love his lordship’s always banging on about.

“If I catch a mouse he never lets me finish killing it, but wrestles it from my jaws and starts reading it stories from the People’s Friend.

“Also the whole house smells of bittersweet nostalgia.”

The cat added: “I swear I saw him eat a KFC Boneless Bucket in the dark, when he thought I was asleep. I think he then stroked the image of the Colonel and sighed.”

However Morrissey’s dog Cromwell said: “I quite like him. Once I bit Johnny Marr and Morrissey gave me a crisp £10 note and some poetry books.”