My husband thinks it is acceptable to fart in bed then waft the covers over my head

Dear Holly,

My husband thinks it is acceptable to fart in bed and then waft the covers over my head. My best friend says that this counts as common law assault and I can have him arrested. Is this right?

Anita

Suffolk

hollybodyDear Anita,

There’s no excuse for domestic abuse, or any form of abuse for that matter. You should take a leaf out of the adorable Harry Styles’s book. There may come a day where you’re cruelly assaulted on stage by a pack of shoe-wielding Glaswegian savages, and when that time comes you just need to pick yourself up, crack a winning smile and keep going with your shit harmonies. Harry might have the face and hair of an angel, but his groin is impenetrable by Primark stilettos – mainly because his testes have yet to descend. And he needs to be tough because there’s a rumour going round school that Frankie Cocozza plans to kill him by giving him syphilis, then sell the story to Heat magazine.

Hope that helps!
Holly.