My husband thinks it is acceptable to fart in bed then waft the covers over my head

Dear Holly,

My husband thinks it is acceptable to fart in bed and then waft the covers over my head. My best friend says that this counts as common law assault and I can have him arrested. Is this right?



Dear Anita,

There’s no excuse for domestic abuse, or any form of abuse for that matter. You should take a leaf out of the adorable Harry Styles’s book. There may come a day where you’re cruelly assaulted on stage by a pack of shoe-wielding Glaswegian savages, and when that time comes you just need to pick yourself up, crack a winning smile and keep going with your shit harmonies. Harry might have the face and hair of an angel, but his groin is impenetrable by Primark stilettos – mainly because his testes have yet to descend. And he needs to be tough because there’s a rumour going round school that Frankie Cocozza plans to kill him by giving him syphilis, then sell the story to Heat magazine.

Hope that helps!



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Councils want more money to basically come and get your bins

MANY local councils are to charge more for what amounts to emptying bins, it has emerged.

Over 40% of councils are to demand more money from residents, ostensibly for sending some strong-looking men in a noisy lorry to get their rubbish.

Householder Stephen Malley said: “It just makes you stop and think, what am I getting from the council in exchange for more cash than I can easily afford.

“Well, they’re taking my bins…and…

“Actually that does seem to be the main thing.

“I rang them up to ask but it was 4.55pm and they’d already turned off their computers so they could leave within a nanosecond of 5pm.

“Can I just not pay this bill and do my own bins?”

Local council leader Nikki Hollis said: “We do all kinds of things. Meetings, surveys, meetings about surveys.

“And we’ve got a website with a picture of a field on it.”