THE UK is going to be a total bastard to foreigners and people in general, David Cameron has announced.
The prime minister said that no longer being regarded as a soft touch would save money for public services, as well as providing employment for the UKs many bastards.
Cameron said: When an immigrant arrives in the UK, immigration officials will mutter “Fucking twats” while processing their documents.
Anyone allowed into the country will be followed around by a professional bastard who will make sneering comments such as I like your shoes not! and punch them in the back of the head when theyre not looking.
However the real savings will be made by being a bastard to everyone who wants to use public services. Anyone requiring legal aid will now have to do a humiliating caterpillar impression before getting a kick up the arse by their solicitor.
Only then will they be given their allotted three minutes of legal advice.
Cameron said all aspects of public services would carry disincentives for using them, such as paying unemployment benefit in a wide variety of low-value foreign coins.
Electrician Norman Steele said: I went to see my doctor recently but he said he could only examine me if I admitted I fancied mice. Then he stuck my head down a toilet and flushed it.
“Frankly thats not what I pay my taxes for.