Feral Nurses To Be Culled

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.

Nurse numbers have spiralled out of control due to unrestrained mating with porters, ambulance drivers and slightly older, unhappily-married doctors.

The uniformed, predominantly female creatures have taken to living in hospital air conditioning shafts, where they build nests using discarded copies of Take A Break.

But managers want to reduce numbers after a spate of bitings and a fatal accident in Swindon when a large, hibernating nurse fell through a ceiling and squashed an old lady with pneumonia.

An NHS spokesman said: “We can all get a bit sentimental about nurses, but they are just animals.

“The feral sisters and their gentler male counterparts will be humanely destroyed with dogs and the pretty ones will be sent to live with rich, elderly perverts.”

The wild nurse infestation has also led NHS managers to consider eliminating the species altogether and explore alternative modes of patient care.

The spokesman added: “During a recent nine-day brainstorming network session at Gleneagles it was decided that nurses are a pain in the arse.

“It was agreed that one way of replacing them would be a single Christ-like Messiah who is able to heal with his magic beard.

“Recruitment could be a problem as there isn’t a huge number of English-speaking Christs around at the moment, but it could just as easily be a benevolent, ET-type alien with a glowing finger and a heart full of love.”


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Fat People To Sue Their Own Sofas

FAT people across Britain are to launch a class-action legal case against their own sofas, it emerged last night.

Lawyers representing more than 80,000 of the UK’s widest men and women claim the sofas used physical force and psychological tricks in a bid to make their owners sit down all day and not get a job.

Solicitor Julian Cook, who is representing almost 900 tonnes of humanity, said: “Whenever my clients talked about going for an interview or even just a short walk they would be shouted down and told they were worthless before being bullied into eating a nice, big slice of something lovely.”

He added: “After particularly heated rows the sofas would often try to buy the affection of their owners with some large, hooped ear-rings or a tattoo.”

Nikki Hollis, from Grantham, went from nine stone to 26 stone in less than a month after inviting a new sofa into her home.

She said: “We had some happy times together – the birth of my son N-Dub, series two of Britain’s Most Haunted and the day the freezers broke in Iceland and they were handing out chicken drumshapes for 10p a bag.

“But over the years I noticed that it was becoming harder and harder to get up until it got to the point where I couldn’t even get to the toilet. Don’t look in that bag.”

She added: “And now I’m so big I have to wash my chuff with a tea towel on a curtain rod. Can I have some money?”

But Bill McKay, a lawyer representing a three seater from Doncaster, said: “My client is guilty of nothing more than being himself. He offered comfort, security and love. And look at him now. He’s all fucked up in the middle.”