FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.
Nurse numbers have spiralled out of control due to unrestrained mating with porters, ambulance drivers and slightly older, unhappily-married doctors.
The uniformed, predominantly female creatures have taken to living in hospital air conditioning shafts, where they build nests using discarded copies of Take A Break.
But managers want to reduce numbers after a spate of bitings and a fatal accident in Swindon when a large, hibernating nurse fell through a ceiling and squashed an old lady with pneumonia.
An NHS spokesman said: “We can all get a bit sentimental about nurses, but they are just animals.
“The feral sisters and their gentler male counterparts will be humanely destroyed with dogs and the pretty ones will be sent to live with rich, elderly perverts.”
The wild nurse infestation has also led NHS managers to consider eliminating the species altogether and explore alternative modes of patient care.
The spokesman added: “During a recent nine-day brainstorming network session at Gleneagles it was decided that nurses are a pain in the arse.
“It was agreed that one way of replacing them would be a single Christ-like Messiah who is able to heal with his magic beard.
“Recruitment could be a problem as there isn’t a huge number of English-speaking Christs around at the moment, but it could just as easily be a benevolent, ET-type alien with a glowing finger and a heart full of love.”