Fill Up The Boot With Cats, Say Britain's Fatties

PET shops all over Britain have been besieged by fat men demanding their car boots be filled up with cats. 

Bill McKay, owner of Cat-Tastic in Bristol, said he had sold out by midday as hundreds of overweight men stocked up on the latest cure for heart disease.

McKay said: "As soon as I opened the door there was all these chunky blokes, crowding round me. It was like a fat zombie movie.

"One guy reverses up in his Volvo estate, opens the tailgate and says, 'fill it until I say when'.

"At one point, I says to Lisa, 'Lisa, shut the door, or we're getting flattened in here' and she's like 'Bill I can't, this fat bastard's got his foot stuck and there's no way I can shift it'.

"So I gets a sack, stuffs in a load of Burmese and some British shorthairs and just throws it out in the street.

"One guy's got hold of a tortoiseshell tabby and he's saying to his mate 'what am I supposed to do? Stroke it, or eat it?'"

McKay added: "One poor bastard got here at four, says he's been everywhere and there's nothing left.

"I sat him down, but it was obvious he wasn't well. Next thing, he keels over. Heart attack. Took four of us to carry him out. He stank of pork."

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Sainthood For Woman Who Put Chocolate On Hobnobs

THE Pope is being urged to confer sainthood on the Scottish biscuit maker who first had the idea of putting chocolate on a HobNob.

Devout Catholic Margaret Sinclair implored her employers at McVities to coat the underside of their crunchy, oaty biscuits with a layer of milk chocolate after a experiencing a vision of the Virgin Mary.

The Holy Mother appeared to Sinclair in Easter 1920 when she was having a cup of tea at home in Edinburgh with an original HobNob and a small, hollow chocolate egg.

Cardinal Keith O'Brien, leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland, said: "At first she was sore afraid, but Mary said 'hush child', took the egg from her and gently smoothed it into the base of her biscuit, before using a small cake fork to create that distinctive ripple effect."

Sinclair would be the first biscuit maker to be canonised since 1905, when the French peasant girl Bernadette Soubirous was made a saint for inventing the Breakaway in 1858.

However, the move is likely to be attacked by the followers of Henry Brubaker, inventor of the Penguin, whose canonisation remains on hold 50 years after his death.

Catholic academic Dr Bill McKay said: "It could be argued that the chocolate HobNob, while certainly very appetising, is really little more than a chocolate digestive made from oats.

"The Penguin, however, has a chocolate cream filling, sandwiched between two chocolate flavoured biscuits, which are then enveloped by a delicious milk chocolate vestment.

"Did Jesus not say, 'if you are to be of chocolate, then be entirely of chocolate'? I think you'll find he did."