Five Covid rules you haven't stuck to since Freedom Day

INFECTION numbers are through the roof again, because nobody’s done any of these since Monday July 19th:  

Wearing a mask

You’d worn a cloth over your mouth for months. But nobody else in the shops was wearing them and you looked like a freak, so you stopped. For a while you thought that anti-maskers might be onto something, but now look where we are.

Doing regular tests

Ramming a swab down your throat and up your nose sucks, but it had a clear purpose. You knew if you had it. But the tests ran out and you’ve been double-jabbed so it’s game over for Covid, right? The looming threat of another cancelled Christmas suggests otherwise.

Maintaining distance

Last April you’d take your chances against traffic if someone was walking towards you. Now you’re huddled around your mates in the pub, spluttering into each other’s faces about the gig you’re at next week. You thought those faded two-meter things in shop queues were a faded curio.

Sanitising your hands

Sure, you’ll give them a scrubbing after taking a dump, and maybe a quick rinse after a piss, but that’s it. And half the sanitiser pumps in shops and pubs ran dry months ago so when you use them you just get alcohol-scented air.

Not touching your face

Being unable to rub your eyes with your potentially diseased hands was a bit weird, but you improvised. Since Freedom Day you’ve been clawing at your face with wild abandon and cultivated a deadly new variant in the process. If there’s another lockdown it’s on you.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg tells heartbroken brood they will only have a 12-bird roast this Christmas

JACOB Rees-Mogg has informed his wife and six children that shortages mean their Christmas feast will be a mere 12-bird roast instead of the usual 17. 

Issues in the supply chain, which the patriarch assured them had no connection to ‘God’s own blessed Brexit’, have left the family five birds short of their traditional dinner and the children bereft.

Rees-Mogg said: “Telling Mary, Thomas, Peter, Alfred, Anselm and little Sextus that we would not be dining as our Regency forebears did was heartbreaking. I hate to think of them going without.

“But tragically we’ve been unable to secure several birds including the lapwing, Ortolan bunting and lark. If I was not owner of half Somerset we may struggle for the rest, but fortunately we bag our own pigeons, partridges, ducks, geese and pheasants.

“Her Majesty has granted me leave to strangle one of her swans, which I plan to do in Regent’s Park later today, and I have dispatched my batman – on foot – to Paris to purchase a turkey.

“We will not stoop to incude a chicken. Their flesh is serf’s food.”

A bereft Anselm Mogg said: “Pater has told us we may still tour the asylums to laugh at the deranged on Boxing Day, so the season is not lost.”