COVID-themed chat-up lines that won't get you anywhere

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

‘Hook me up to a ventilator because you took my breath away’

Just like the UK’s respirators at the height of the pandemic, the charm in this chat-up line is in woefully short supply. Stick to a classic like ‘Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?’, which is admittedly only slightly less bad.

‘Kiss me if I’m wrong, but we’ve found a vaccine, right?’

Cornering someone for physical contact with your own stupidity is never a good idea. Although at least this come-on filters out nutcases who think drinking bleach is a viable cure. The last thing those people should be doing is reproducing.

‘Feel my face mask, it’s made of boyfriend material’

Besides the excruciating wordplay that would cause even James Bond’s libido to wither and die, you’re encouraging someone to touch your face with their potentially diseased hands. If it removes your puns from the gene pool though, perhaps it’s worth a go?

‘You’re hotter than the 37.8°C fever which left me bedridden for a week’

While your in-depth knowledge of a key coronavirus symptom is commendable, the image of your infected body pumping out sweat in bed is a major turn off. Also there’s more to a person’s worth than their physical appearance, you shallow bastard.

‘We might die soon so fancy a shag?’

It’s very desperate but there’s a chance this might actually work. It’s essentially what loads of old poetry boils down to, plus everyone is so starved of sexual excitement that the direct approach could pay off.

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Forget littering: Five other ways to ruin beauty spots for others

AFTER the angry reaction to litter in our nation’s parks and on its beaches, you might be looking for new ways to ruin Britain’s beauty spots. Here are some suggestions.

Encourage dogging up Ben Nevis

Every weekend, countless people take on the challenge of reaching the summit of Britain’s highest peak. Imagine the average rambler’s disgust when they stumble across equally adventurous couples from Essex banging away at one another like a barn door in a storm.

Ignore parking restrictions at Stonehenge

Stonehenge belongs to the people so it hardly seems fair that you can’t park right next to it, like you do with your house. Smash through the fence in your Vauxhall Astra, crank up the stereo and fire up a barbecue on a fallen sarsen stone.

Paint the White Cliffs of Dover

The Vera Lynn song was ages ago, so do these cliffs really need their USP anymore? If you have enough paint you could make them a more interesting colour, like purple, within a few days. The person you’ll annoy most is Nigel Farage, which is an excellent added bonus.

Start a ‘Pick your own tree’ business in Sherwood Forest

During summer ‘Pick your own strawberries’ sites do big business. Scale it up by offering 400-plus hectares of stunning British woodland and a spade. It’s sure to prove such a hit that within weeks this once thriving forest will be reduced to nothing more than twigs.

Launch a party boat on Lake Windermere

People love the peace and tranquility of the Lake District, so why not f**k it up by launching a big, noisy boat full of pissed people vomiting over the sides? An enjoyable way to ruin it for everyone else.