Sunday, 9th August 2020

COVID-themed chat-up lines that won't get you anywhere

FEELING starved of human contact more than usual? Looking to score now the pubs are reopening? It’s still not safe to pull so extend your dry spell with these COVID-themed chat-up lines.

‘Hook me up to a ventilator because you took my breath away’

Just like the UK’s respirators at the height of the pandemic, the charm in this chat-up line is in woefully short supply. Stick to a classic like ‘Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?’, which is admittedly only slightly less bad.

‘Kiss me if I’m wrong, but we’ve found a vaccine, right?’

Cornering someone for physical contact with your own stupidity is never a good idea. Although at least this come-on filters out nutcases who think drinking bleach is a viable cure. The last thing those people should be doing is reproducing.

‘Feel my face mask, it’s made of boyfriend material’

Besides the excruciating wordplay that would cause even James Bond’s libido to wither and die, you’re encouraging someone to touch your face with their potentially diseased hands. If it removes your puns from the gene pool though, perhaps it’s worth a go?

‘You’re hotter than the 37.8°C fever which left me bedridden for a week’

While your in-depth knowledge of a key coronavirus symptom is commendable, the image of your infected body pumping out sweat in bed is a major turn off. Also there’s more to a person’s worth than their physical appearance, you shallow bastard.

‘We might die soon so fancy a shag?’

It’s very desperate but there’s a chance this might actually work. It’s essentially what loads of old poetry boils down to, plus everyone is so starved of sexual excitement that the direct approach could pay off.