Five types of idiot who still haven't noticed there's a deadly virus

DESPITE a grim year of lockdown and restrictions, some people seem determined to carry on completely as normal. Check you’re not one of these tossers.

Frantic Christmas shoppers

You MUST buy stuff, so head for Oxford Street immediately. Sadly you’re probably doing the worst kind of pointless present shopping, eg. such vital items as a Union Jack mobile phone case, a wooden tie someone will grudgingly pretend is hilarious, and some overpriced fudge because you’ve run out of ideas.

People who want a casual shag

Definitely repeatedly visit the homes of anyone you vaguely know who there’s a slim chance of shagging. A handjob in the kitchen while their flatmates are out is a romantic tale akin to Romeo and Juliet, you star-crossed lovers.

Dopey twats

It could be the bellend hovering right next to you in the supermarket in case you buy all 200 pieces of cheese and there are none left for them. Or it could be one of the many Covid barrack room lawyers obsessed with some ‘fact’ they’ve learned, eg. “The doctors are probably recording too many deaths because of all the other things people die of in winter, like flu and sledge accidents.”

Your mum and dad

Your elderly parents earnestly wear their masks, keep abreast of the news on the BBC and take Covid very seriously. Then when the neighbours invite them round for Christmas drinks it’s time to party like they’re John Belushi, if he’d died from a Baileys overdose.

The government 

They’re probably just more concerned with their own careers, but there’s a strong suspicion they might be dense too. With dim-bulbs like Liz Truss in positions of responsibility, we’re probably looking at lockdown 49 in 2030, with an ageing Boris Johnson riding a digger emblazoned with the slogan ‘Britain’s Going To Beat It, This Time!’.

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How to be a brown-nosing sellout on LinkedIn

ARE you willing to sell your soul on LinkedIn for the sake of your career? Here’s how to be a creepy corporate crawler online instead of just laughing loudly at your boss’s jokes.

Post mind-numbingly obvious statements about diversity

Hopefully it goes without saying that you are not a racist, sexist bigot, but ostentatiously pointing it out can win likes, shares and positive comments. Try ‘Is it just me or is it important to celebrate how different we all are?’, or something equally nauseating.

Say ‘I’m so proud to work for…’

Does your company do some token environmental stuff? Say: ‘It’s an honour to be part of an organisation that wants to make the world a better place for our children and our children’s children’. Don’t worry about laying it on too thick – you want to look like the worst kind of corporate bum-sucker. 

Mention work-life balance

Post a drippy message about how ‘we all need a healthy work-life balance’, and should ‘keep everything in perspective in our very busy lives’. Ignore the fact that you work like a gulag inmate and hassle your colleagues to do the same.

Put up stupidly early or late-night posts

Despite the above, come across as a hardcore work drone. Mention how peaceful the office is at 6am, or how proud you are that ‘all those late nights paid off and I got the report finished on time’. You could just get all your tasks done in normal working hours instead of yapping and going on Facebook, but that wouldn’t sound as good.

Post ridiculously frequently

If you’re sucking up to existing colleagues, you want to make sure they keep seeing your name. Spend all your time commenting on corporate bullshit, intently following office politics and spending hours a day on LinkedIn. You may not have time to do your actual job competently, but this is the way to get ahead.