Wednesday, 20th January 2021

Five types of idiot who still haven't noticed there's a deadly virus

DESPITE a grim year of lockdown and restrictions, some people seem determined to carry on completely as normal. Check you’re not one of these tossers.

Frantic Christmas shoppers

You MUST buy stuff, so head for Oxford Street immediately. Sadly you’re probably doing the worst kind of pointless present shopping, eg. such vital items as a Union Jack mobile phone case, a wooden tie someone will grudgingly pretend is hilarious, and some overpriced fudge because you’ve run out of ideas.

People who want a casual shag

Definitely repeatedly visit the homes of anyone you vaguely know who there’s a slim chance of shagging. A handjob in the kitchen while their flatmates are out is a romantic tale akin to Romeo and Juliet, you star-crossed lovers.

Dopey twats

It could be the bellend hovering right next to you in the supermarket in case you buy all 200 pieces of cheese and there are none left for them. Or it could be one of the many Covid barrack room lawyers obsessed with some ‘fact’ they’ve learned, eg. “The doctors are probably recording too many deaths because of all the other things people die of in winter, like flu and sledge accidents.”

Your mum and dad

Your elderly parents earnestly wear their masks, keep abreast of the news on the BBC and take Covid very seriously. Then when the neighbours invite them round for Christmas drinks it’s time to party like they’re John Belushi, if he’d died from a Baileys overdose.

The government 

They’re probably just more concerned with their own careers, but there’s a strong suspicion they might be dense too. With dim-bulbs like Liz Truss in positions of responsibility, we’re probably looking at lockdown 49 in 2030, with an ageing Boris Johnson riding a digger emblazoned with the slogan ‘Britain’s Going To Beat It, This Time!’.