Sunday, 1st November 2020

F**ked, really f**ked, or nice and safe and Tory: the three-tier lockdown explained

THE government is introducing a three-tier lockdown system because Dominic Cummings doesn’t believe you can grasp numbers higher than three. This is how it will work: 

TIER ONE

Only subject to the usual restrictions ie Rule of Six, pub curfews, fines for not self-isolating, all those previously unthinkable restraints on your personal liberty you now accept without question. Schools still open.

For areas with high house prices in the South of England that always return a Conservative no matter what. Coincidentally. Oh, and also fewer than 100 cases per 100,000 people, not that we’ve any idea because we’ve still not got this testing thing sorted yet.

TIER TWO

Households forbidden to mix indoors or in hospitality settings, and we should really work out a way of enforcing that at some point. You will be allowed to leave your area but you’d better be bloody grateful. Schools still open.

For Red Wall areas who’ve served their purpose by giving us this lovely big thumping majority and now we could not care less about. Coincidentally. For when there are more than 100 cases per 10,000 people, like in all our other local lockdowns that haven’t worked.

TIER THREE

Pubs closed, restaurants closed, gyms closed, no social contact with any other household, no overnight stays anywhere, no leaving the area, everyone fitted with shock-collars remotely controlled by Whitehall. Daily collections of dead on carts. Schools still open.

For Merseyside and other staunchly Labour-voting areas that just will not listen to reason. Coincidentally. For ‘significantly higher rates of transmission’, and isn’t that nice and vague. Stay in your homes. The Covid marshalls in black vans will be arriving for you shortly.