A guide to fancying someone way, way out of your league

HOT for someone you’ve got no chance with? Follow our simple guide to pining for that perfect ten: 

Admit it won’t happen

Before you go any further, face up to the fact that the breathtakingly stunning object of your desire is more likely to be struck by lightning, then struck by lightning again, than ever wanting to be with you. Getting this out of the way makes everything that follows less awkward.

Don’t try and improve yourself

If it was as simple as wearing more deodorant or taking a weekly spin-class, gorgeous people would be dating ordinary folk all the time. Even a lottery win, plastic surgery and a personality transplant won’t meet their wildly high expectations. Wallow in what you have.

Suggest you’ve dated attractive people before

Brilliant and beautiful people never take a chance on a normal unless they have impeccable references. Alluding to your ex-partners Bella Hadid, Jeff Bezos or Marcus Rashford will subconsciously raise you in your crush’s estimation.

Mention famous couples where one’s obviously punching above

There are plenty of off-putting male celebrities with ravishing partners — Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Jennifer Lawrence and some bloke who runs an art gallery, Leonardo DiCaprio and a yacht full of models under 25. Bring them up in conversation to subtly suggest that your relationship is similar.

Settle for their less attractive friend

If all else fails, find comfort in a slightly worse version of the same. Imagine you’re buying a supermarket own-brand version of a product you enjoy because you can’t afford the proper kind. That should make you feel better.

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Boris making own Bond film in bid to save cinemas

BORIS Johnson is making and starring in his own James Bond film to save Britain’s cinema industry. 

The £500m film, titled Moonshot and financed by Rishi Sunak, promises to be a high-octane adventure about a charismatic blonde British agent charging around the world getting into terrible trouble.

The prime minister said: “A dashing Brit engaging in thrills, spills and diplomatic incidents, while committing serial adultery? Hello?

“I’ve already spent most of the year in a high-stakes thrill ride with the lives of everyone in the country at stake, so I’m prepared. And gambling with government money is simply what I do.

“Cummings is playing the egghead villain, Matt Hancock’s the MI6 boss whose boring rules I ignore for my maverick intuition, and innovative gadget master Q is – who else? – Baroness Dido Harding.

“I smash through windows on zip lines, I punch baddies, I deliver quips, it’ll be out for Christmas and I’m confident the whole UK will flock to see it, giving our beleaguered cinemas the boost they deserve.”

Bond fan Nathan Muir said: “Yeah. George Lazenby? No longer the worst.”