Sunday, 16th May 2021

Northern Covid spreading faster because it's hard as f**king nails

THE Northern version of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire because it is well hard and kicks shit out of your immune system, scientists have confirmed. 

While polite, weak, soft-bellied Southern Covid is struggling to infect even pensioners, epidemologists have described the Northern strain as ‘no-nonsense brutal’ after incubating in bodies used to brown ale, chips with gravy and 20 Lambert & Butler a day.

Deputy chief medical officer Jonathan Van-Tam said: “Locking down the North while leaving the South alone might seem nonsensical to most.

“But believe me, when you’ve had this bastard ask what the f**k you think you’re looking at from the other end of an electron microscope you’d have no doubts.

“One cough and the Northern strain’s infected a whole pub. Meanwhile, its effete, well-mannered Southern counterpart struggles to pass itself on to anyone because it says ‘no, no, after you’ even to common colds.

“Alcohol-based hand sanitiser? This strain sucks it right up, belches and asks for more. And cold doesn’t affect it. We recreated a Newcastle winter in a petri-dish, and the virus was strutting around like it was on the Costa del Sol.

“We have to lock down the whole North. If this gets on a train to London with a few mates we are well and truly f**ked.”