THE Northern version of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire because it is well hard and kicks shit out of your immune system, scientists have confirmed.
While polite, weak, soft-bellied Southern Covid is struggling to infect even pensioners, epidemologists have described the Northern strain as ‘no-nonsense brutal’ after incubating in bodies used to brown ale, chips with gravy and 20 Lambert & Butler a day.
Deputy chief medical officer Jonathan Van-Tam said: “Locking down the North while leaving the South alone might seem nonsensical to most.
“But believe me, when you’ve had this bastard ask what the f**k you think you’re looking at from the other end of an electron microscope you’d have no doubts.
“One cough and the Northern strain’s infected a whole pub. Meanwhile, its effete, well-mannered Southern counterpart struggles to pass itself on to anyone because it says ‘no, no, after you’ even to common colds.
“Alcohol-based hand sanitiser? This strain sucks it right up, belches and asks for more. And cold doesn’t affect it. We recreated a Newcastle winter in a petri-dish, and the virus was strutting around like it was on the Costa del Sol.
“We have to lock down the whole North. If this gets on a train to London with a few mates we are well and truly f**ked.”