Food good for you

FOOD may be less harmful than previously thought, it has been claimed.

New research has challenged the widely held belief that all food either triggers cancer, accelerates ageing or instantly gives you a massive arse.

Biologist Helen Archer said: “Contrary to popular belief, food contains nutrients that are beneficial to the human body. It may even be that hunger is our body’s way of encouraging us to eat food, rather than being a moral flaw.”

Archer’s experiment involved two groups of humans, one of which was allowed to eat food while the other could not.

“After 48 hours group B – the no food group – was clearly lagging in test activities like running up hills. They also reported feeling generally unhappy.

“This could turn everything we know about food on its head.”

43-year-old Norman Steele said: “I’ve always suspected that food might not be all bad.

“However I will continue to ‘fast’ at weekends because of some bullshit I read about cavemen.”

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Decadent western lifestyles expected to continue

THERE is a high probability that the decadent western lifestyle will be maintained, it has emerged.

People able to make decisions in an atmosphere of relative freedom stressed that, all things considered, there is a fairly strong chance they will just carry on being themselves.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I’m thinking about doing several decadent things today.

“It will mostly involve going to work, reading a newspaper, having a spot of lunch, maybe a couple of pints at teatime and then going home to watch Doctor Who on iPlayer.

“I may even end up sitting next to a woman on a bus. Who the hell knows?”

Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, added: “I did think about giving up my career, but then I thought, ‘nah, I’ll probably just crack on’.

“My friends and I are debating whether or not to have a drink later and talk about politics in a free and open manner. It’s a puzzler isn’t it?”