'Free spirit' has 48 very specific dietary requirements

A WOMAN who is really happy to ‘go with the flow’ also won’t eat anything without first thoroughly inspecting the ingredients list.

Emma Bradford said: “I’m a very laid-back person. I’ll just throw myself into any situation – spontaneous road trips, ayahuasca ceremonies, sex parties…it’s not my fault if I have a couple of food allergies.

“I can’t tolerate gluten, sugar, eggs, dairy, which I also avoid on ethical grounds, aspartame, anything processed, any numbers that start with letters, anything a caveman wouldn’t have eaten, anything a caveman would have eaten, anything that was harvested during the full moon, especially if I’m menstruating – oh, and any food where its likeness has been personified in a cartoon. Just in case it feels pain.

“For someone as chilled as me, all these afflictions can be challenging, but I checked with my naturopath and they’re all genuine allergies.

“I still have the occasional naughty treat, like raw chocolate bars and chia seed date balls, although I always regret it afterwards.”

Childhood friend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s really interesting how all these allergies popped up at once, around the time she started wearing ‘interesting’ hats.

“We were all happy to humour her until she brought a beetroot cake to my birthday party. That isn’t a cake, it’s an abomination.”

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Train company bosses instantly agree fares hike then wonder how to pad out rest of meeting

RAIL company bosses are wondering how to spend the rest of their meeting after instantly agreeing to hike prices.

After taking two minutes to approve the 3.4 per cent price rise, executives from Britain’s various regional train companies are now struggling to think of small talk.

Great Western Trains executive Martin Bishop said: “These biscuits are nice. They’re different to the ones we had last time.

“More chocolatey.”

There followed a brief awkward silence before Joanna Kramer of South West said: “Did anyone come here on the train this morning?

“I didn’t, because it’s a right rip off!”

Her joke was met with uproarious laughter before she quickly added: “Just joking everyone, trains are great value and ticket money is carefully re-invested into infrastructure and train petrol or whatever trains run on.

“Has anyone been watching Narcos on Netflix? It’s quite good.”