Date going well until he goes and orders the f**king cheese board

A FIRST date was going absolutely brilliantly until he only went and ordered the f**king cheese board, a woman has confirmed. 

Susan Traherne admitted that for 95 per cent of the evening Joseph Turner had behaved absolutely impeccably, there was chemistry and she had begun to believe this could be the real thing, but she has since blocked his calls. 

She continued: “Handsome, was genuinely interesting, enjoyed laughing at my jokes as much as I enjoyed laughing at his. And then. 

“The waiter asked if we wanted pudding, and he said ‘Oh, I think we could manage something, don’t you?’ and I was like okay, that does it, I am breaking my first date rule. 

“And then I came back from the toilet and he was sitting there with it. Blue, veiny, stinking. I think it called ‘Martin’s Dairy Yarg’.

“Then was another one on the plate called ‘Perky’s Blue’ which looked like it had been scraped off a dead jellyfish.

“I was in tears as soon as I got in the taxi. He texted me after about what a ‘great time’ he’d had and I could barely see for the rage. 

“I’m going to warn other women on social media. He needs to be stopped.”

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A five-point guide to Christmas party avoidance

DON’T fancy making inane chat with morons in stupid hats? Spend the festive season like the hermit you really are with these foolproof party excuses.

I’m feeling a bit under the weather

A solid excuse, as ‘under the weather’ can be interpreted as anything from minor cold to medium level emotional breakdown and most people will be too embarrassed to ask for details. If they do, just start crying.

It’s bad enough spending every working hour with you, you swarm of idiot bastards

If this goes down badly, simply dismiss it as ‘bants’ and accuse them of not being able to take a fun joke.

I’m on tag for blowing up a cashpoint

Electronic tags that restrict your movement are such a solid excuse that it’s worth doing a serious crime just to get one. Failing that, a Variety Pack box of Frosties painted silver then strapped to your leg with elastic bands looks convincing.

I have to take care of the kids that night

If the reply is ‘But you haven’t got any kids’, stare at them until they feel uncomfortable and then whisper ‘That’s what you think’.

I can’t be fucked

The ultimate excuse, unbeatable in its simple, elegant logic. Best delivered before the inviter has even finished their sentence. Just cut them off at ‘Would you like -’ by holding up a hand in a stop gesture. And if asked why you can’t be fucked, just reply ‘I’m Santa, and I’ve got a shitload of presents to deliver’.