Getting up to open another bottle and five other exercise tips for Lockdown 2

NO ONE is going to put up with Joe Wicks a second time around, so how are we going to stay in shape? Here are some exercise tips for people who are royally f**ked off with Covid.

Getting up to open another bottle

Getting in and out of a chair is a compound exercise that works several muscle groups at once. It will be difficult, as you’re basically a wobbly jelly attached to brittle bones after this year, but you’ll get a nice boozy reward at the end.

Irritably kneading dough

Didn’t bake bread in the last lockdown? Now’s your chance to spend ages slapping a big piece of tough dough around your kitchen and then baking it into a brick as hard as a diamond. Good for the biceps and core, bad for your mood.


Clapping is very much a lockdown 1 kind of thing, but it’s a workout for your triceps and chest. Your partner will probably leave you and your neighbours will hate you, but you’ll improve your lean muscle mass by as much as 0.0000000002 per cent.

Taking the recycling out

An advanced level of exercise that requires you to bend and lift at once. Bear in mind that your recycling probably won’t be collected until January, so it may also become a logic puzzle to work out how to fit all your cardboard, 240 empty cans of Kronenbourg and an old Christmas tree into your wheelie bin.

Nipping to Tesco for some fags

This is taking exercise to an extreme, as it involves leaving the house completely. Special equipment such as shoes and a jacket may be required. You will also need a support vehicle, to ensure you don’t peg out on the way, so ask your partner to follow you very slowly in the car.

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What kind of winter hat wanker are you?

ARE you a fun-loving bobble-hat person or do you prefer to look like someone who murders deer in the woods? Find out what your winter hat says about you.


Bobble-hat wearers believe that they are cute and fun because they have a stupid pom-pom on their heads. And the bigger the bobble the more ‘fun’ they are. Well, they think they’re fun. Everyone else thinks they’re childish twats.

Double bobble-hat 

Similar to the bobble hat wearer but twice as bad, a person with two bobbles on their head is so desperate to be quirky that you can spot them from several metres away. Luckily this makes them easy to avoid.

Trapper hat 

Wow, did this guy skin a rabbit to make his own hat after becoming lost on a freezing moor during a deer hunting weekend in Scotland? No, it’s just Dave from IT after a trip to Top Man. He will try to convince you he made it himself though, and then creepily ask you out on a date.

Beanie hat 

The beanie hat wearer wants to appear kind of edgy, like they smoke a bit of weed at the weekend. Sadly, this look has been hijacked by men who are thinning on top and believe that, even when worn indoors, it accurately simulates a full head of hair.

Flat cap 

Flat cap wearers like to think they are giving off a cool Peaky Blinders vibe when in reality they look more like Del Boy. Winter gives them the perfect opportunity to show how trendy they are, by dressing up like a Brummie gangster from the inter-war years. More fool them because their ears are in no way covered.