Saturday, 5th December 2020

Getting up to open another bottle and five other exercise tips for Lockdown 2

NO ONE is going to put up with Joe Wicks a second time around, so how are we going to stay in shape? Here are some exercise tips for people who are royally f**ked off with Covid.

Getting up to open another bottle

Getting in and out of a chair is a compound exercise that works several muscle groups at once. It will be difficult, as you’re basically a wobbly jelly attached to brittle bones after this year, but you’ll get a nice boozy reward at the end.

Irritably kneading dough

Didn’t bake bread in the last lockdown? Now’s your chance to spend ages slapping a big piece of tough dough around your kitchen and then baking it into a brick as hard as a diamond. Good for the biceps and core, bad for your mood.

Clapping

Clapping is very much a lockdown 1 kind of thing, but it’s a workout for your triceps and chest. Your partner will probably leave you and your neighbours will hate you, but you’ll improve your lean muscle mass by as much as 0.0000000002 per cent.

Taking the recycling out

An advanced level of exercise that requires you to bend and lift at once. Bear in mind that your recycling probably won’t be collected until January, so it may also become a logic puzzle to work out how to fit all your cardboard, 240 empty cans of Kronenbourg and an old Christmas tree into your wheelie bin.

Nipping to Tesco for some fags

This is taking exercise to an extreme, as it involves leaving the house completely. Special equipment such as shoes and a jacket may be required. You will also need a support vehicle, to ensure you don’t peg out on the way, so ask your partner to follow you very slowly in the car.