Government advice versus actual life-saving advice: how do they compare?

IT’S the daily dilemma we face. Do we listen to the badly thought-out, science-free recommendations of Johnson and Hancock, or listen to the experts? Let’s find out. 


Government advice: Travel! Spend! Book holidays! Hop on a plane and have it large in Spain. But be prepared to be caged like a rabid dog once you’re back in Britain.

Actual life-saving advice: Stay the f**k away from Europe. Camp in your back garden.


Government advice: Drink! Spend! Booze it up like it’s the Cheltenham Festival. Get pissed and forget you’re not meant to snog strangers. But don’t blame us if you end up on a ventilator.

Actual life-saving advice: Stay in with Sainsbury’s special offer wine. Zoom. Don’t go near a pub until later this century.


Government advice: Get back to work! Spend money commuting! Buy new suits and have drinks after work. Show the EU what we’re made of by cramming cheek by jowl on public transport to work. Let’s ‘do or die’. Or ‘do and die’. 

Actual life-saving advice: Stay at home in your pants, especially if your job is a badly paid, soul-destroying one like ringing strangers and telling them you understand they were recently involved in an accident. 


Government advice: Get thinner by running to Nando’s and back again with your cash-off vouchers. 

Actual life-saving advice: Stay at home. Grow vegetables. When they’re nice and rotten, don a mask, gather in Whitehall and throw them at cabinet ministers arriving at Downing Street.


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'This would be a nice place for a wedding' says passive-aggressive mother

A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE mother has caused tension by pointing out a location’s potential as a wedding venue.

Nikki Hollis was frozen in terror when her boyfriend Tom Logan’s mother Susan made the observation as they walked past a church.

Hollis said: “She tried her best to make it sound off-the-cuff, but I bet that catty busybody has been eyeing this place up for a while.

“It’s not like she cares about who’s getting hitched to Tom either. She just wants an excuse to get photographed looking glam and bitch about the bride’s weight while her husband props up the bar.

“Me and Tom aren’t ready for marriage anyway. We’ve only been going out for three months so we haven’t had time to destroy each other’s identity or sense of self-worth yet.

“However I am tempted to call her bluff and say that I’ve dreamed of having a small civil partnership in a municipal office ever since I was a little girl.”

As the trio swung by M&S on the way home, Susan remarked how its sandwiches could be used as cheap wedding entrees as she shovelled them into her shopping trolley.