Sunday, 9th August 2020

Government advice versus actual life-saving advice: how do they compare?

IT’S the daily dilemma we face. Do we listen to the badly thought-out, science-free recommendations of Johnson and Hancock, or listen to the experts? Let’s find out. 

HOLIDAYS

Government advice: Travel! Spend! Book holidays! Hop on a plane and have it large in Spain. But be prepared to be caged like a rabid dog once you’re back in Britain.

Actual life-saving advice: Stay the f**k away from Europe. Camp in your back garden.

PUBS

Government advice: Drink! Spend! Booze it up like it’s the Cheltenham Festival. Get pissed and forget you’re not meant to snog strangers. But don’t blame us if you end up on a ventilator.

Actual life-saving advice: Stay in with Sainsbury’s special offer wine. Zoom. Don’t go near a pub until later this century.

WORK

Government advice: Get back to work! Spend money commuting! Buy new suits and have drinks after work. Show the EU what we’re made of by cramming cheek by jowl on public transport to work. Let’s ‘do or die’. Or ‘do and die’. 

Actual life-saving advice: Stay at home in your pants, especially if your job is a badly paid, soul-destroying one like ringing strangers and telling them you understand they were recently involved in an accident. 

OBESITY

Government advice: Get thinner by running to Nando’s and back again with your cash-off vouchers. 

Actual life-saving advice: Stay at home. Grow vegetables. When they’re nice and rotten, don a mask, gather in Whitehall and throw them at cabinet ministers arriving at Downing Street.