Monday, 25th May 2020

GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold

DOCTORS’ surgeries are hopeful that if they leave patients on hold for long enough they will either make a complete recovery or die.

Carolyn Ryan, receptionist at a practice in Surrey, refers to the hold button as ‘triage’ and believes their Pan-Pipe Hits of the 1980s album successfully deals with around 50 potential patients a day.

She said: “If you’re really ill, you’re willing to wait. Unless you’re too ill, in which case it’s too late.

“I believe most of our patients make a full recovery just from the restfulness of sitting watching a phone, and I know one man said the wait turned out to be the last four hours of his 24-hour flu.

“I’m very strict about not answering unless we’ve got at least 75 people in the queue. I think they teach that at medical school now.”

Emma Bradford, on hold since 8am this morning, said: “Fuck this. I’ll Google my symptoms, pick the deadliest possible outcome, then rush to A&E in a panic like last time.”