GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold

DOCTORS’ surgeries are hopeful that if they leave patients on hold for long enough they will either make a complete recovery or die.

Carolyn Ryan, receptionist at a practice in Surrey, refers to the hold button as ‘triage’ and believes their Pan-Pipe Hits of the 1980s album successfully deals with around 50 potential patients a day.

She said: “If you’re really ill, you’re willing to wait. Unless you’re too ill, in which case it’s too late.

“I believe most of our patients make a full recovery just from the restfulness of sitting watching a phone, and I know one man said the wait turned out to be the last four hours of his 24-hour flu.

“I’m very strict about not answering unless we’ve got at least 75 people in the queue. I think they teach that at medical school now.”

Emma Bradford, on hold since 8am this morning, said: “Fuck this. I’ll Google my symptoms, pick the deadliest possible outcome, then rush to A&E in a panic like last time.”