Greater Manchester alert level raised from well bad to fookin' 'angin'

A RISE in Covid-19 cases has forced Greater Manchester to raise its alert level from well bad to fookin’ ‘angin’.

A major incident has been declared in the city leaving local authorities with no option but to raise the city’s uniquely phrased alert level to its highest point.

Mayor Andy Burnham said: “It can be difficult to tell Mancunians they face any kind of threat. They tend to square up and offer the f**ker out.

“We’d already moved from level one, not mithered, to level two, do one, because of the crisis. And once the pubs opened, boosting our residents’ natural tendency to think they can take on anything and walk away unscathed, we went all the way to level three, mingin’.

“We have reinforced the messages that if scallies can follow the government’s frankly bobbins guidelines we could be buzzin’ by Christmas and ready to ‘ave it in 2021, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“Currently the situation in the city is, I regret, fookin’ angin’. Official advice is stay in your gaff and get caned.”

Burnham added: “Anyone south of Stoke-on-Trent is warned to expect severe consequences if they come to the city. That’s not a coronavirus thing. That’s standard.”

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Eight reasons why the Argos catalogue was better than Amazon

THE end of the Argos catalogue is the end of an era for Britain. Here’s why buying the same crap from Amazon will never feel as good: 

It was free

Free! Generously piled high in front of the store by the sliding doors, satisfyingly new and heavy, you could return jubilantly from your suburban shopping trip clutching something even if you were a teenager struggling to afford a McDonald’s thick shake.

You could circle stuff

There’s no real difference between an Amazon wishlist and circling your favourites in the paper catalogue before passing it to a generous aunt, but the former feels like a souless, automated process and the latter felt warm, caring and got you what you wanted.

No sinister tailored advertising

A boy could browse the catalogue for hours without anyone knowing he coveted Barbie’s leopard-print ra-ra skirt from her Weekend collection. Nobody was collecting your information in a giant database for future blackmail/a personalised shopping journey.

It was a handy weapon

Thick and durable enough to really beat a sibling into submission, if you had an Argos catalogue you didn’t fear your big brother or need to buy the £19.99 Bullworker.

Elizabeth Duke jewellery

A nine-carat gold engagement ring from the now-defunct range was the aspirational choice for a nation of knocked-up teenagers.

Innocent consumerism

Purchases from the Argos catalogue came before the awkward knowledge that your short-lived plastic tat was slowly rotting the earth and trashing its future. You genuinely thought you’d always be riding that BMX.

Little pens

They may have gone digital now but Argos got there first, Ikea, and we won’t forget it.

Truly random extras in the waiting area

The catalogue is only part of the shopping experience. No Amazon algorithm on earth would know that what you really needed were 10 blank Alba cassettes and a set of jump leads.