Wednesday, 30th September 2020

Greater Manchester alert level raised from well bad to fookin' 'angin'

A RISE in Covid-19 cases has forced Greater Manchester to raise its alert level from well bad to fookin’ ‘angin’.

A major incident has been declared in the city leaving local authorities with no option but to raise the city’s uniquely phrased alert level to its highest point.

Mayor Andy Burnham said: “It can be difficult to tell Mancunians they face any kind of threat. They tend to square up and offer the f**ker out.

“We’d already moved from level one, not mithered, to level two, do one, because of the crisis. And once the pubs opened, boosting our residents’ natural tendency to think they can take on anything and walk away unscathed, we went all the way to level three, mingin’.

“We have reinforced the messages that if scallies can follow the government’s frankly bobbins guidelines we could be buzzin’ by Christmas and ready to ‘ave it in 2021, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“Currently the situation in the city is, I regret, fookin’ angin’. Official advice is stay in your gaff and get caned.”

Burnham added: “Anyone south of Stoke-on-Trent is warned to expect severe consequences if they come to the city. That’s not a coronavirus thing. That’s standard.”