Gyms opening later than pubs as punishment for twats

THE decision to open pubs earlier than gyms is because all the fitness dickheads needed a time out, SAGE has confirmed. 

The outrage from gym bunnies, health freaks and grunty weights blokes has sealed the decision as the government’s most popular yet.

A Treasury spokesman said: “We considered opening gyms, of course, what with the growing obesity and public health crisis. It was on our agenda.

“But then every time we started writing policy we were lobbied by all these sanctimonious musclebound idiots saying ‘Why can’t I be in my church making gains?’ or boasting about their ‘PBs’ and we just stopped.

“Did landlords refuse to close their pubs and cretinously quote the Magna Carta to justify it? No. Did roid-raging gym owners square up to the police doing exactly that? Yes. So see what you get.”

Deputy chief medical officer Jonathan Van-Tam said: “The health benefits for gym-goers must be balanced with the detrimental effects on those in gym-goers’ immediate vicinity. At this point the public cannot put up with insurmountable levels of ‘bodygoals’ bullshit.

“At least if we get the pubs open first, normal people can get so pissed they will be immune to any talk of protein shakes and reps on lats. Maybe even the gym twats could have a pint and chill the f**k out.”

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'The time for criticising our handling of the pandemic has passed'

THE prime minister has informed Britain that now the virus is beaten, the country must draw a line under any further scrutiny of his actions.

Following the unveiling of his four-step roadmap, the Prime Minister announced that the window of opportunity for holding the government to account has expired and we must instead focus on vaccines.

Ruffling his hair, Johnson said: “Ideally I would have been taken to task in around April last year, but I was very ill and everyone was tired out by Joe Wicks.

“May was not the time, by June we were on the road back to normal so nobody wanted to dwell on that stuff, and any attempts to be critical in the autumn were distasteful party politics of exactly the kind Britain’s sick to death of.

“And as we move into spring it’s time to let bygones be bygones. Nobody’s perfect, and my blustering, buffoonish charm is why you voted me in with a landslide majority in the first place.

“It’s a shame really. What with our mishandling of care homes, constant dithering delays, misguided boosterism, dodgy PPE, promotion of herd immunity and that whole Cummings thing, there were valid concerns. You should have voiced them.

“But it’s too late, the time’s passed, any criticism now is out of step with what the British people – the real British people – think, and it’s time to get back to the normality of unanimously backing Brexit which we’ve all sorely missed.”

Leader of the Opposition Sir Keir Starmer said: “I entirely agree.”