Monday, 8th March 2021

Gyms opening later than pubs as punishment for twats

THE decision to open pubs earlier than gyms is because all the fitness dickheads needed a time out, SAGE has confirmed. 

The outrage from gym bunnies, health freaks and grunty weights blokes has sealed the decision as the government’s most popular yet.

A Treasury spokesman said: “We considered opening gyms, of course, what with the growing obesity and public health crisis. It was on our agenda.

“But then every time we started writing policy we were lobbied by all these sanctimonious musclebound idiots saying ‘Why can’t I be in my church making gains?’ or boasting about their ‘PBs’ and we just stopped.

“Did landlords refuse to close their pubs and cretinously quote the Magna Carta to justify it? No. Did roid-raging gym owners square up to the police doing exactly that? Yes. So see what you get.”

Deputy chief medical officer Jonathan Van-Tam said: “The health benefits for gym-goers must be balanced with the detrimental effects on those in gym-goers’ immediate vicinity. At this point the public cannot put up with insurmountable levels of ‘bodygoals’ bullshit.

“At least if we get the pubs open first, normal people can get so pissed they will be immune to any talk of protein shakes and reps on lats. Maybe even the gym twats could have a pint and chill the f**k out.”