Hair will naturally clean itself, says woman who stinks

A WOMAN who believes her hair will clean itself naturally is unaware that it smells disgusting.

Emma Bradford has not washed her hair since April because she thinks it does not need shampooing to stay clean, and pretends not to know that her locks now have the odour of a wet dog.

She said: “Hair is self-cleaning, just like cats and ovens. If I lathered so much as a drop of conditioner into it, I’d f**k it up beyond repair.

“Instead my scalp looks after my hair by pumping out natural oils. Sure, there was a brief phase where it felt a bit dirty and my boyfriend left me out of disgust, but now my hair’s got a lustrous, greasy sheen.

“And by shunning all the harsh chemicals in hair care products, I get to feel like a progressive eco-warrior. I don’t even buy deodorants, no matter how many times my friends beg me to use them.”

Tying up her hair in a lank, straggly ponytail, she added: “I say I don’t wash my hair for the environment, but it’s mainly just to have something to talk about at parties. Not that I get invited to many of them anymore.”

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White jeans on night out f***ed up after 15 minutes

A PAIR of pristine white jeans have lasted just quarter of an hour on a night out before getting disgustingly dirty.

Lucy Parry confidently put on the jeans for a night out with her friends as if they were meeting on a yacht in Monaco, rather than a cheap curry house in Balham that specialises in luridly colourful dishes.

Friend Catherine Phelps said: “Within minutes she’d dropped a big dollop of bhuna onto her lap. She did her best to dab it out in the bathroom but trying to get curry out of ivory white denim is just pissing in the wind. She looked like she’d somehow soiled herself from the front.

“Then we went to a club where our friend Sophie spilt a vodka and coke on the jeans, before we hit the dance floor and they sucked up all the liquidy scum on the floor and developed this sort of ombré gradient effect of grey from hem to knee.

“She should do what I do, which is wear faux leather leggings. They’re essentially wipe clean so you can vomit red wine all over them and still carry on with your night.”