Health advice just assumes nobody does manual work these days

EXPERTS giving out dietary advice believe everyone spends their days sitting down in a nice warm office, it has emerged.

Following recommendations that Britons do not eat a piece of meat bigger than the palm of their hand, doctors confirmed that only applies if you do not have to push a wheelbarrow full of bricks.

Doctor Nikki Hollis said: “Of course all this is aimed at – I hesitate to say civilised people – but people who do proper jobs with computers and smart clothes.

“If you’re outside all day lifting things you probably need to eat, I don’t know, at least two handfuls of spinach. And maybe a small bag of cashew nuts.

“It’s also important for people like bricklayers, if indeed they still exist, to go running or to the gym five times a week for thirty minutes. Just to get some physical activity.”

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “I want to stay healthy because they keep raising the retirement age, which again is fine if you aren’t physically destroyed from four decades of moving heavy things around.

“To be honest though, whatever they recommended I would still eat a daily fry up bigger than my head.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Safety conscious cyclists sticking to pavement

CAREFUL bicycle users are increasingly using the pavement as a way to avoid the dangers of the road.

Office worker Tom Booker cycles entirely on the pavement for his morning commute because pedestrians are less potentially harmful than buses.

He said: “The pavement is great, it’s like a tiny road where I am king. The weight of my bike and my speed means that if I hit a walking person they are likely to come off worse, which is reassuring to know.”

However Booker admitted that it can be frustrating when the pavement is crowded with pedestrians who stubbornly refuse to step into the road.

“I cycle up behind them with my tyre almost touching the back of their ankle, or touching the back of their ankle a tiny bit, until they get the message and go in a shop doorway. I don’t have a bell, because they’re a little gay, however sometimes I am tempted to shout ‘Cyclist coming through!’ as a kind of joke but with a serious message.

“Not sure though, pedestrians are notorious for their poor sense of humour.”

Pedestrian Emma Bradford said: “The main thing is that cyclists are safe and if that means getting knocked over occasionally, it’s a price I’m willing to pay.”