Health experts somehow come up with perfectly reasonable idea

PUTTING a calorie count on alcohol labels is not annoying or patronising, it has emerged.

Health experts admitted they had surprised themselves by calling for something that did not immediately cause millions of people to say ‘what the fuck is it this time?’.

Dr Julian Cook, director of public health at Roehampton University, said: “It’s not hectoring or intrusive. It’s just perfectly straightforward information.

“This feels wrong. We’ll have to double check our research.”

He added: “If we produce sensible ideas then eventually I’ll stop getting media coverage, because the BBC won’t be able to find anyone to disagree with me on the breakfast news.

“What if the label said ‘this contains 800 calories, you big fat mess’?”


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Pumpkin carving is the new dick size, say men

EXPERTLY carving a Halloween pumpkin is the new way to demonstrate your virility, men have confirmed.

The standard, crudely-hacked Jack O’lantern is widely considered as sign of impotence by men who spend six hours exactly copying an American design from the internet.

Joseph Turner of Bristol said: “Look at this. From the front it’s a Star Wars stormtrooper, but turn it around and it’s a TIE Fighter pilot.

“It’s not a game for amateurs. You need a set of professional carving tools and buy twice as many pumpkins as you think you need because she is an unforgiving mistress and you will make mistakes.

“Be creative, stay true to your original vision and for God’s sake don’t let the kids anywhere near it.”

The finished pumpkins will be proudly displayed in front windows tonight, wowing men and women alike with the carver’s imagination, wit and skill at manipulating something of such great size.

From tomorrow they will begin to wither away to become shrivelled, disgusting and unappealing to everyone.