Highway Maintenance van loves shitting up other motorists

A HIGHWAY Maintenance driver has admitted that making BMWs panic when they mistake him for the police is the best part of his job.  

Drainage engineer Martin Bishop confessed that while the thrill of checking drains along the M1 has long since worn off, the joy of watching a Porsche Cayenne slam on the brakes in terror has not faded even slightly. 

He said: “You have to know how to use it. If they see you from a distance they can tell you’re not the real thing. 

“The best way is to hide between about four HGVs in the inside lane, then suddenly pop out into the middle. Bang. Someone’s just shat in their Audi. 

“It’s amazing the power a few diagonal hi-viz stripes have. Company directors, Premier League footballers, Gordon Ramsey, I’ve made ‘em all pump the brakes then shake their fists in anger as they zoom past. 

“Though it’s not about the big names. I get just as much pleasure from watching four teenagers in a 1998 Ford Ka rapidly decelerate as I do, say, Tinie Tempah in his Ferrari.

“I like to think, in my own way, I’m making the roads safer. Except for anyone who’s behind them.” 

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Piss off you old ratbag it's my go, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has decided he may as well just tell the prime minister to piss off.

After calling Theresa May’s customs union plans “crazy”, Johnson is now being less subtle about undermining her so he can fulfill his ambition of being an equally shit PM.

The foreign secretary said: “I’m not pretending to care about Brexit anymore because I don’t give a toss about it. I just want the useless old slag gone for the sake of my career.

“Theresa needs to pack her ridiculous shoes and sci-fi outfits and move out of Downing Street pronto. My considered message to the prime minister is this – fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

“I’m the next Churchill. I need to be PM so I can go down in the history books. Hopefully there’ll be another Hitler and a massive war.”

Johnson’s comments caused ructions in the party, with his supporters praising his honesty, while MPs loyal to May argued she was “shit but not 100 per cent shit”.

Tory MP Norman Steele said: “Boris was wrong to tell the prime minister to piss off. He should have stabbed her in the back while she was on holiday or in hospital.”