Hospital parking charges now main cause of death

THE leading causes of death in the UK are paying for hospital parking spaces and paying fines for hospital parking spaces.

Parking at hospitals, which is now run under the same principles as parking at airports because that makes perfect sense, has overtaken heart disease, cancer and Brexit as the UK’s top killer.

Visitor Stephen Malley said: “My aunt had suffered heart problems but was expected to make a full recovery. I told her how much the bloody parking was. She flatlined.

“The medical team did their best to save her but when one of the nursing staff admitted they have to pay it as well, even though they work here, her body basically shut down.

“I stayed with her until the end. That cost me an extra £80 in fines and £45 in administration fees.”

An NHS spokesman said: “The government wants to privatise the NHS but has settled for making the ground surrounding it inaccessible for anyone but the very, very rich.

“I’ve sold my car and parachute 6,000ft onto the hospital roof from a light aircraft each morning. It’s cheaper.”



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Which lies are fun to tell kids and which are therapy waiting to happen?

LYING to children is encouraged in some circumstances, like the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny, but less so in others, like chewing gum being fatal or Candyman. Which lies are innocent fun and which are absolutely not? 

Father Christmas is real
While the international conspiracy to persuade children that an old man breaks into their houses and leaves them presents is weird, especially to parents who buy those presents and deserve the credit, it’s so well-established that it’s now crueller to tell the truth.

Verdict: FUN

The ice-cream van plays music when it’s run out of ice-cream
Hilarious until your children grasp the rudiments of marketing aged about six and call you out on your bollocks. May not seem deeply harmful but they’ll never trust you again.

Verdict: THERAPY

Carrots make you see in the dark
Claiming that ‘vegetables give you superpowers’ is such transparent bullshit nobody would even try it on kids, apart from that most adults actually believe this. Even though they can’t see in the dark. Whatever, they’re good for you.

Verdict: FUN

Your hamster went to live on a farm in the country
Seems like a good idea in the short-term, but after a while children will wonder why every pet they’ve ever had has abandoned them for a rural lifestyle and, consequently, why they are so unlovable and doomed to be alone. Also who the fuck is farming hamsters?

Verdict: THERAPY

Of course we don’t regret having children
They’ll only realise this one’s a lie when they’ve had children themselves, and the alternative is humanity dying out.

Verdict: FUN

That lady Daddy was kissing is his long-lost sister
It will take a lot of cash to untangle this trauma. Maybe all of it.

Verdict: THERAPY