How paying for the NHS will work, by the government that brought you Avanti trains and student loans

SAJID Javid here, veteran of many cabinets. I’ve stepped forward as the f**khead suggesting you pay £20 to see your GP. Here’s how the profitable Tory NHS will work: 

Charges start low

The first student loans, in 1992, was £600 a year. Affordable, right? Now it’s £27,000. Likewise GP fees will begin at a reasonable £10, then creep up to £35, then suddenly it’ll be £225 before you can say ‘I think I’m having a stroke’.

Frequent cancellations

Dozens of operations will be cancelled with no consequences for the private companies now running hospitals, often ten minutes before you were about to have surgery. They’ll be announced on an LED board in the hospital foyer when it’s not showing adverts.

Free wifi

In a strange reversal of priorities, you’ll be able to browse the web while haemorrhaging in A&E or during a difficult birth. There won’t be a doctor or midwife available, but you can use it to order a coffee and croissant for £10.

Bizarre competition system introduced

All NHS services will be competing to offer the best, cheapest service. A customer with a spinal injury in Portsmouth can simply go to Aberdeen for treatment, proving the free market is more efficient. Unless your care ticket isn’t valid in that region or it’s off-peak.

No timewasting hypochondriacs

Charges will stop whining fakes clogging up the system. It’ll be easier than ever to see a doctor because millions of skint people will be at home hoping a broken hip or appendicitis will wear off.

New corporate logos

Every NHS organisation will be rebranded so that, for example, Birmingham City Hospital becomes Mid-England Wellness Rapide. You’ll feel much better during your stay in hospital knowing you’re in the hands of the best marketing professionals.

Unprofitable treatments to be cut

Cancer care is notoriously expensive. By contrast, breast enlargements are straightforward. So for every mopey cancer patient you could have loads of nice big pairs of profitable tits. It’s about allocating resources wisely.

A new tier of high-quality bureaucracy

If you can’t pay upfront for your treatment, there’ll be NHS financial advisors on hand to agree a payment plan. They’ll be on commission and will give you the hard sell, so be careful not to go in with a broken ankle and agree to have a leg amputated and a top-of-the-range prosthesis.

A lifetime of debt collection

Much like student loans, bailiffs will hassle you for medical debts you paid off decades ago thanks to our poor record-keeping. Well, we can’t run the risk of someone getting medical treatment for free.

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'Let me guess… bribery?' Zelensky asks Johnson

VOLODYMYR Zelensky played a guessing game with Boris Johnson to ascertain why the former PM was in Kyiv this time, it has emerged.

The leader of embattled Ukraine decided to play guess-the-scandal after seeing Johnson arrive, head bowed, wearing a woolly hat and realising something must be terrible wrong at home if he was here again.

Zelensky said: “As Sherlock Holmes said, once you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

“The wallpaper’s been painted over. Partygate’s history. The memoir’s coming out, which will be shit for Britain but hardly warrants a face-saving publicity stunt. Christ, this is a real head-scratcher.

“My first guess was shagging, obviously, but apparently not. Therefore it has to be money. But not your run of the mill Tory tax blunder, sorry Nadhim. It’s got to be something bigger, weirder, possibly involving a beloved national institution. Am I getting warm?

“You defrauded the NHS of £17 million. No, you’ve not got the skills. Made your dog head of the Arts Council? Sneaked a droit de seigneur clause into the Brexit agreement? Stole the Royal train?

“I think I’ve got it: you helped the current chairman of the BBC get his job because he arranged your loan of £800,000. Pretty specific, but that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? It’s nothing to do with securing us tanks.”

Johnson said: “F**k me, he’s good.”