How to argue like a f**king infuriating anti-vaxxer

ARE you belligerently obsessed with anti-vaccine views? Here’s how to bang on about them in the most maddening way possible: 

Be effortlessly superior 

Everyone else is a mug, part of the uninquisitive flock of brainwashed sheep. Meanwhile, your evidence-free conspiracy shite is pure fact. When you call someone credulous, the irony is so dense it’s amazing it doesn’t collapse into a singularity.

Never settle on one point

Be so angry stroke thick that your rushed internet comments take several attempts to decipher eg ‘Astral Xenoca – chief S.H.I.L.L is Whitty, BBC too often??? Softened up for NWO, eva heard of MK Ultra, children? Havana syndrome? JFK Jr.’

Drag in own witless grievances

The tabloids and being bad at lessons have encouraged you to hate teachers, and you’re still pissed off about Zayden being suspended for setting fire to the school rabbit. So who’s in on the great Covid scam? That’s right, teachers, for closing schools when they’re all off with Covid.

Don’t listen to reason

Expect others to watch your two hour five minute YouTube video, but ignore anything they say. If an argument makes you doubt yourself, scuttle back to the Facebook mothership and reassure yourself your beserk opinions are totally sane.

Put the hours in

Wake up every morning on the forums and comment sections, poisoning all debate with repetitive abuse. In the pub start arguments of numbing tedium and refuse to let the issue drop. There’s marches most Saturdays. It’s not just a cult, it’s a family.

Horribly misunderstand statistics

Infections are only up ten per cent this week, and ten isn’t a big number. You ate ten Celebrations earlier like it was nothing.  Also make irrelevant comparisons, like 156 people may have died in the last month but that’s every hour at the Battle of the Bulge.

Quit sanity entirely

Why wouldn’t the scientists who named Omicron use an anagram of ‘moronic’ for a laugh? Cast yourself adrift from rational thought, like the Daily Mail reader who sneered ‘All this over a tiny virus’. Lucky it isn’t a big virus, the size of an Alsatian. That would really be dangerous.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to write a f**king terrible Christmas song

WRITE a Christmas hit and you’ll never have to work again. Just follow these tried-and-tested steps:

Sort your festive sounds 

You must have at least one of the following cliches: sleigh bells, handbells, French horn or other brass instrument, crunching snow, choir, children’s choir, singing animals, eg. frogs. These are more important than whether the song is in any way listenable.

Write a f**king annoying tune

Bash away at a Casio keyboard until you’ve got a sing-song tune that you both hate and haunts you. If it combines the worst elements of Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime and the Nokia ringtone, you’re onto a winner.

Choose your genre

Pick one of the following:

Party song – the lyrics should be total nonsense, eg. ‘Santa’s knockin’, Grandma’s bobbing, Rudolf’s drinking nog from egg’. Suggested title Rockin’ Around the Robin. 

Totally mundane festive activity song – like Chris Rea’s Driving Home for Christmas, write a song that’s relatable because everyone f**king does it, eg. ‘Lighting the oven, yes we’re lighting the oven’. Suggested title We’re Lighting the Oven. 

Love song – can be sickeningly upbeat or wistful bollocks about an ill-fated romance, eg ‘Tears on my chocolates, tears in the snow/My heart is cold this Christmas time, why did you have to go?’ Suggested title You’re My Pig in a Blanket (upbeat) or I’m Crying at the Christmas Lights Switch-On (featuring Peter Andre) (sad).

No more war song – should not offer constructive ways of resolving conflict, just vague sentimentality eg ‘No presents round the tree in the middle of this war/The little orphan girl looks so sad and says ‘What’s it all for?’ Suggested title Let’s Wish for Peace this Christmas. 

Novelty song – any straining Christmas cash-in that might prove implausibly popular, eg ‘The night before Christmas, and all through the house, nothing was stirring except Gregory, the Yuletide crab louse’. Suggested title Gregory, the Yuletide Crab Louse.

Record your masterpiece

Hire a studio and some jaded session musicians. Release it and make a fortune. In years to come the royalties will probably pay for a yacht, which is where you’ll become a seasonal recluse because it’s the only place to avoid hearing your own f**king song.