ARE you belligerently obsessed with anti-vaccine views? Here’s how to bang on about them in the most maddening way possible:
Be effortlessly superior
Everyone else is a mug, part of the uninquisitive flock of brainwashed sheep. Meanwhile, your evidence-free conspiracy shite is pure fact. When you call someone credulous, the irony is so dense it’s amazing it doesn’t collapse into a singularity.
Never settle on one point
Be so angry stroke thick that your rushed internet comments take several attempts to decipher eg ‘Astral Xenoca – chief S.H.I.L.L is Whitty, BBC too often??? Softened up for NWO, eva heard of MK Ultra, children? Havana syndrome? JFK Jr.’
Drag in own witless grievances
The tabloids and being bad at lessons have encouraged you to hate teachers, and you’re still pissed off about Zayden being suspended for setting fire to the school rabbit. So who’s in on the great Covid scam? That’s right, teachers, for closing schools when they’re all off with Covid.
Don’t listen to reason
Expect others to watch your two hour five minute YouTube video, but ignore anything they say. If an argument makes you doubt yourself, scuttle back to the Facebook mothership and reassure yourself your beserk opinions are totally sane.
Put the hours in
Wake up every morning on the forums and comment sections, poisoning all debate with repetitive abuse. In the pub start arguments of numbing tedium and refuse to let the issue drop. There’s marches most Saturdays. It’s not just a cult, it’s a family.
Horribly misunderstand statistics
Infections are only up ten per cent this week, and ten isn’t a big number. You ate ten Celebrations earlier like it was nothing. Also make irrelevant comparisons, like 156 people may have died in the last month but that’s every hour at the Battle of the Bulge.
Quit sanity entirely
Why wouldn’t the scientists who named Omicron use an anagram of ‘moronic’ for a laugh? Cast yourself adrift from rational thought, like the Daily Mail reader who sneered ‘All this over a tiny virus’. Lucky it isn’t a big virus, the size of an Alsatian. That would really be dangerous.