YOU’VE come down with a serious, debilitating illness, although your coldhearted partner says it’s just a sniffle. Here’s how to make sure everyone knows how much you’re suffering.
Moan and groan
Display the agony of your mild illness by groaning your way through making a cup of tea, and gasp pathetically at your struggle to lift it. It’s almost guaranteed that other people will offer to take over. Not from sympathy, they just want you to shut the f**k up.
Avoid human contact
To imply your sniffle is highly contagious, avoid all contact with other humans as if you’ve got a deadly virus from Resident Evil. Refuse to accept any object unless it’s put on a safe surface and the carrier backs away. Ignore the obvious question – if you’re so ill why are you in work? Because you’re a trouper. A martyr. A bloody nuisance.
If a window is open, ask to close it. If it’s closed, ask to open it. Asking what day it is every five minutes will make it clear how dangerously feverish you are. If these tactics aren’t garnering the care you deserve, faint on the printer. If at home, faint by the router and somehow pull the plug out. Both will get you noticed.
Relate everything to your illness
Feebly joke that your high temperature is making global warming worse. Nobly quip that you wish these paracetamol were going to someone with Covid. Bringing everything back to being ill will be tiring though, so get people to bring you a constant supply of chocolate bars and snacks for ‘energy’.
That night out on Friday, the dental appointment, your child’s school play – cancel them all. Even your sister’s wedding. You’re just too considerate to spread your germs and ruin an event that just happens to be a lot of expense and hassle for you with no personal gain.
Ramp it up
If you’ve tried everything and are still not getting the attention you desperately want, send ‘Get well soon’ cards to yourself. Scatter funeral plans around and send everyone a link to your podcast ‘The Gift of Life: My Journey to Wellness’. The only risk is you’ll develop a weird somatic symptom disorder and start to feel as genuinely shit as you’re pretending.