How to keep your boomer relatives indoors

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.

Say the government wants them to go outside

If your boomers are Daily Mail types, they will believe we live in a horrifically PC nanny state. Tell them the government wants them to go outside so drones can check the population for diversity. They’ll be so furious they’ll stick to the sofa like glue.

Tell them this is their Blitz

Thanks to romanticised movies, many boomers wish they could’ve experienced sheltering from Jerry’s doodlebugs. Use this to your advantage by comparing the coronavirus to the Luftwaffe and telling them their living room is now effectively the London Underground.

Exploit their love of houses 

Boomers love the property market, so scare them rigid with a cock-and-bull story about gangs of squatters moving into houses while the owners are at Tesco. This will seem entirely plausible because they watch Channel 5 programmes with titles like All New Buy-To-Let Nightmares.


Play dirty by reminding them that you’ve seen their internet search history, and all it takes is one tweet from yours truly to share it with the world. You will have to waste even more time explaining to them what a tweet is, though. 

Get to know them

This should be used purely as a last resort. Once you ask a few questions about their childhood they will not stop talking for days and will find your attentive ears more appealing than anything the outside world has to offer. At this point you will be tempted to push them out the door.

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Your guide to holding out till midday before starting to drink

THESE are stressful times and you’ve probably stocked up on booze. But how do you hold out until noon, when it is fine to start getting leathered? Read our guide.

Pace vigorously up and down muttering ‘Mustn’t, mustn’t mustn’t’

This is great exercise and the sounds of you ‘keeping fit’ will convince your neighbours that you are in good, strong mental health.

Consider extra masturbation

You may already be self-abusing to a degree you never thought possible. Summon all your willpower and see if you can crank out another to make it till 12 o’clock. It’s probably your patriotic duty, or something.

Promise yourself an extra drink after midnight if you refrain until midday

This is what psychologists call ‘deferred gratification’. Stiffen your sinews now and you’ll be rewarded in the small hours with a well-deserved very large whisky.

Put a severe-looking picture of your mother on your fridge

She may be self-isolating and unable to track your every movement, but see how she seems to glower at you as you open that fridge door for a can of lager instead of lettuce.

Drink till five in the morning so you don’t wake up until one in the afternoon

This may seem like a heroic effort but if carried out properly you might get the bonus of not wanting a drink before 12pm the day after the day after.