Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place

WANT to celebrate a year of lockdown by strutting down the Asda aisles like John Travolta doing a Liam Gallagher impression? Try these: 

Shove on through

The flu brigade blocking your way to the Rustlers burgers in their masks? Don’t scuttle apologetically through a narrow gap. Walk aggressively toward them and watch them scatter like chickens as an alpha shopper arrives.

Show it

Body language is the easiest way to let everyone know they need to piss off out of it. Throw those arms out wide, go at your own pace and let the geriatric and nervous worry about it when you double back after changing your mind about how many packs of bacon you’ll need.

Own it

Being the biggest dickhead in the supermarket is easy – you just have to own it. Have confidence and treat the place like it’s your gaff and they’ve got a nerve being there. After all you shop there twice a week, spending upwards of £80, so you’re paying the wages and it’s your shop and you can do whatever you like.

Talk on the phone

Some people don’t understand subtlety. So give a mate a call, pull your mask below your chin and talk loudly about the idiots who’ve fallen for the pandemic scam and how social distancing can piss off. You’ll empty any aisle you walk down.

Be genuinely thick as pigshit

To crash through even the smallest Sainsbury’s Local like other people don’t exist it helps to be authentically stupid. That way you can still say ‘I’ve no idea how long two bloody metres is, have I?’ after a year of explanation while bouncing off people to get to the lagers.