Census to be redone after leaving out question on what you call a bread roll

THE 2021 census is to be recalled after leaving out the crucial question on what you and members of your household call a bread roll.

Along with questions related to ethnicity, sexuality and gender, the government collects this vital piece of information to ensure that local councils receive appropriate funding for infrastructure and services.

A spokesman for the Office for National Statistics said: “‘Bread roll’ areas receive significantly more government funding than ‘bap’, ‘cob’ and ‘barm cake’ regions, simply because those are mad things to call what is quite obviously a bread roll.

“It is an unconscionable error to leave the question out. Britain has been answering this going all the way back to the Domesday Book in 1086.

“Perhaps the compilers were anxious to avoid another violent uprising over the order in which the options were listed, as happened in the muffin riots of 2011.

“But it’s a crucial way of tracking social mobility and increased diversity. The idea of a ‘cob’ man marrying a ‘teacake’ woman was unheard of just ten years ago.

“In any case, we hope people won’t mind filling out a lengthy and intrusive survey again so we can collect this important piece of information.”

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Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown

ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger: 

Get drunk in front of the telly

It was already the country’s national pastime, but a year of forced confinement has made it official. Begin early like you did this time last year and get half-cut while watching Homes Under the Hammer. Having worn a groove into your sofa while knocking back Stellas for the last twelve months, you know how this works.

Order something online

To remain true to the spirit of lockdown, make sure you order the most pointless and expensive piece of tat you can find. Could be a rare toy from your childhood that you’ll break instantly, could be a DVD boxset of a show that will drop on Netflix tomorrow. Either way, you’ll be treated to one of the enduring images of lockdown: excessive Amazon packaging.

Think about going for a walk

Going for a stroll around town and taking a wistful look at all the closed shops and anxious passers-by is one of the easiest ways to mark today. It’s even easier just to think about doing it, because you’ve seen the same sodding streets for months on end and can do it while getting drunk in front of the telly as above.

Remain silent for a minute

Not uttering a word for sixty seconds requires even less effort than clapping once a week. And if you live alone all it means is that you don’t tell Dion Dublin he’s your best mate in a slurred voice for a little while longer than usual. Don’t feel guilty if you get bored and start scrolling through social media halfway through. It’s been a long year.

Have a takeaway

Round off your day of solemn remembrance by ordering a takeaway that will be delivered by some poor soul you won’t even bother to tip. And because it’s a Tuesday you can get two Domino’s for the price of one. Did Boris Johnson time lockdown with this in mind? Probably.